I think that it is time to come clean with the world ...and most importantly with myself. It is something that it is not easy to admit, but I have realized that the longer I deny this , the worse it will get. I am depressed. I guess somehow i knew it all along , but a few months back when i went to the doctor because i was not feeling well, because i got really scared, since I have never saw the doctor as often as i did these past couple of months , I got prescribed antidepressants. I knew something was off for a very long time but i have always though that i was going to be able to get out of this by myself. When the doctor told me that i needed to take pills , it was something that hit me pretty hard. I mean i have always though that depressions was not something that can affect me, and if it did , i would be able to pinpoint it and then just get over it. Well , i was wrong. Combine that with the stressful job i had , everything just blew up. like i mentioned before , i have never seen the doctor in mmy entire life , as much as i did these past months . When I realized that i need pills , like i said it was something that hit me pretty hard because i could not believe that i let myself get to the point where i let life and stress take over my mind and body. Even after i got "diagnosed" i did not take the pills. I still thought that I can get through this with "happy thoughts". The fact that I barely get out of the house , barely eat and wake up more tired than i was when i went to bed should have been a indication that my happy thoughts werent working. I have always cared about what people thought about me and my decisions . You know what the hardest thing is? To admit your weaknesses. I supposed that the first step with this whole healing process would be admitting my weaknesses . I have always had issues with carrying what people thought , always second guessed myself. I guess it always gets to the point when the past or shortcomings are going to catch up with you . and mine did in the form of a depression that , i obviously cannot get out of without medication . This past year , my self worth, esteem , stress were tested like never before. Nothing fits, nothing feel right , like i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel . Like i am in a hole that keeps getting bigger and bigger and i see no out of it. Now , after the last visit with the Dr. I have to admit that i got scared. i mean who wouldnt get scared if the Dr starts blabbing about bleeding in the brain and Ct scans? It made me realize that depression is pretty serious. I never actually believed that it can affect the human body in such a way , but let me tell you , it is very scary. I have never taken decisions lightly , and the decisions that have been taken in the last couple of days were certainly not taken lightly. but i have started to realize that i need time to focus on me. on whatever is overwhelming me. i also, have to get used to the fact that people will judge , when they do not know the story heck they always judge. IAfter all i am 24 , and i havent figured out my life, right? Well what those people will never understand is the feeling of utter blackness, and anxiousness I sometime feel. Yes i do look like I am functioning and that i am just fine, but at night , i am all alone with my thoughts and my feelings. Thats what people that judge dont know and wont really understand. it is just a scary feeling when your brain and body dont work together in harmony. IT is not very easy to admit that there is something wrong with you , but i did and i want to change . I want to be better!

I Feel like such a failure. I feel lost. Completely lost. I dont know where to start fixing whatever is wrong with me. it is like i am stuck in this hole that i have no way out of and i keep going in circles. I know what i want to do , but i never do it because i have no energy left. Most people would mistake that for lack of motivation or being lazy. It is so hard to have all these plans and ideas stuck in your head knowing that you will probably never do them because there is nothing inside of you that motivates you . I never thought that i would be in this situation and it makes me mad and ashamed that i let myself get here. I should have seen it , I should have done something about it when i first thought something was wrong...not let it get to the point where i am today . Struggling to find a ounce of doing even the most routine chores.. I feel empty and like I disapointed everyone around me with my lack of knowing what i want and what i like. disapointment is all that i see , coming from me. Feel like I am not making my husband happy , not making my mom happy and not to mention that the little friends I have I haven't talked to them in a very long time. It is very lonely in my corner. I feel lonely and empty. Slowly but surely I have distanced myself from everybody that I used to care about. Made myself a nice , cozy corner of loneliness and empty. And now realizing it , i do not know how to surface back . surface to the person i was before. NOt that i am sure i was ever a person , but it would be nice to go back to whoever i used to be . Maybe then i will have a idea of where to go and what i want to do . the more the write, the more i think about it , the more i realize that maybe the pills will help me. Maybe that is the only thing to keep my on track . To make me function in the world. Pills! How cruel is that? Relying on pills to get me through my mind and life. Pathetic . I am so angry with myself . Angry that I let this happen , angry that i am dragging people that i care about through this mess i created for myself.

I have lost track of what is important . I realize that it is almost Christmas , and it doesn't feel like Christmas at all. I hate this feeling. I remember Christmas in Romania. We never had a lot , Santa didn't always bring what I wanted , if I ever got what I wanted, but I will be damned if those weren't the most magical moments I had. I hate the fact that Christmas became so commercial. Buying expensive presents, wont buy what is most important around this holiday . Love and the feeling that you are with family. Granted, lately I have been feeling out of sorts so maybe that's why I feel this way about Christmas. I always write about it , but this time around I think it is worse than what it used to be. I find myself in a bottomless pit , that I dont know how to get out of. Don't know if I want to get out of it, because if I do, I realize that I have nothing to prove. I am 24 years old and I have nothing going for me. I dont know what I want to go to school for, I dont know where I would like to work , I have no goals. It makes me feel like I am not good enough to get out of this hole, because I put myself here. I let myself get this way. Don't get the wrong idea here. This is not a pity party . It is the truth plain and simple. And no I am not too proud to ask for help. I have realized long ago , that being proud doesn't get me very far when I need help. I miss home around this time of year , greatly. I wish that I wouldn't feel so alone. I know I have friends that are more than willing to listen to me and I love them for that, but I think that until I don't help myself, until I dont get the strength I need to get out of this , my friends won't be able to help me much . I am the only one that knows how I feel , and i have never been good at expressing my feelings. I always saw it as a sign of weakness, a crack in my shield . People always hurt when you let them in. Of course I know that is not the truth.And I have slowly started asking for help but part of me is always cautious. And that's what gets me in trouble. I keep whatever I feel bottled inside , until I get to a point where I explode, and oh boy you better not be next to me! Those moments are few and far in between but Gods know when they do happen , the world can burn ! I am not a selfish person, or I like to think that I am not, but in those moments I dont care about anyone and the whole world is against me. You would think that being a psychology major and always listening and giving advice to my friends would teach me a thing or two , but nope. I can deal with helping others , but I can't deal with helping and fixing myself. I guess I am just scared of what I might find if I decide to really have a look at myself. Maybe I am not as selfless as I think, maybe I am not as compassionate as I see myself. I am just scared that I will find a person that is like everyone else. I dont want to be ordinary , selfish , walk over others to get what I want. If I find I am weak, well I dont mind. Weak is good , because for me it makes me think about others, and how others might feel because of my actions.

As I sit here , listening to songs that remind me of childhood, I realize, yet again that I dont belong home. This is random but I love my friends. I am lucky enough that I have met people that slowly reached my heart and I know without a shadow of a doubt that will always be there no matter what . Be it by phone or in person . I havent done this in a long time and I usually dont do it , because I am not the type of person to show any affection but there are times when I feel like I need to do it. I want to thank all of my friends for being there for me, for understanding my silliness , for putting up with me and my crazy ways. Stacy ...I miss you! (and i dont miss people often) Mo..thank you for listening to me babble on and sometimes knocking some sense in to me. Jay...well Ho' I love you to death and thank you for putting up with my crazy ass Julia..you are always there to listen to my crazy ideas. Thank you for that! Flavia! You are like the sister I never had. I am so lucky I met you and that you are always here to encourage me even if I come up with the craziest ideas ever! I love you and I want to thank you for everything you do for me , or with me!

Pfffuuu...ok well here goes nothing , again. I finally realized that whats wrong with me isn't something that I can fix that easily anymore. I have let this go on for so long that now i dont know how to get out of it (without screaming and throwing temper tantrums ). I am officially depressed. And yes, I have gave myself that diagnostic. Think I have read enough to realize that I am at the point where most licensed psychologists would prescribe me happy pills. Well , I dont like taking pills (unless I have a bitching headache ) so , I am trying to find my way out of this blindfolded and in the most natural way someone can get over depression. God, that word sounds so bad. Writing it down , it kind of makes it more palpable. I say bad , not because depression is something I consider as being weak minded or anything. I say bad because as depressed as I am , I am not nearly as bad as some people are and what they have to go through. I have never though that depression is something that could affect me, really. Because I am young , right? Boooy , was I wrong or what? It just slowly made it's way into my every day routine , thoughts and actions. With each passing day , I got out of the house less, stayed in touch with me friends less, and everything started to hurt more . I think part of me knew what was going on but didn't want to admit that I was stuck in this rut.That this was affecting me. That I wasn't strong enough to not let this get me down. Well, I realized that as long as there is something that you dont like about yourself, be it self esteem , body appearance, and there is that small doubt somewhere in your mind, it doesnt take that long for your brain to start focusing only on the bad that you see in yourself. It's like you have no control over your thoughts anymore and as much as you try to stay positive and do something to change those thoughts , your brain wont listen to you. Once you are going down that path , depression can quickly settle in. It's not like I dont want to get up super early in the morning , have a healthy breakfast , runs the errands that I have to run and be productive and actually accomplish what I want to in a day , but it is so hard when you have a brain that keeps reminding you that you dont HAVE to get out of bed at 6 , that you dont have to eat a healthy breakfast and you dont need to runs errands TODAY , there is always TOMORROW. That since you cant even find a job , a good enough job because you only have an AA that you didn't really care about ( so there is another thing I fucked up ) , what is the point of getting up and doing anything?! Oh , and trust me I am fighting every day with this. I realize people make mistakes, and that I made mistakes and that I learned from them , but that doesn't really stop my brain from reminding me of everything that I did wrong. But like I said, I am trying really, really hard to fix this . Looking at changing up my diet and use food , healthy , organic food to help me get back on track. Hopefully I will be able to post more about it and how and if it helps!

Romania, you are not mine !

I am actually scared to death to post this , because I know people judge, and judge they will after this post. I started with the title that I started, because after I cried for so long, after I longed for home all this time..now I realize it's not mine anymore. Nothing here is mine anymore. For some it might not seem so significant, for others it might appear that I am full of s**t and that I forgot where I came from.I always thought that being home for a whole month will be a dream come true. It has been good, but not as good as I always thought it would be. It is the worst feeling in the world to come to the house you have grown up in , and feel like a guest, a complete stranger . Everything is the same , yet nothing FEELS the same. I have to admit that , I didn't really start the trip they way I wanted to. My bags were lost in the airport in Frankfurt, and I've lost an entire day in Budapest waiting for my bag. Flying for almost 12 hours and then waiting in the airport , where no one can fucking speak English is frustrating. After that, well..the heat was unbearable for the first 2 weeks. That was another slap in the face.."Have I been gone for so long that I forgot how hot and humid this place is?" was the question I kept asking myself over and over, embarrassed to admit that I had indeed forgot how "this place " is . Everything itches, bites , and has no taste. Even the water is strange. Even as I am writing these things out , I want to slap myself. Ever since I got here I have been at war with myself. The logical part says " Go home, I can't take this!" and the emotional part is like " This is home. This was home for so long, it can't be that bad!"... Well it is that bad. I cant get used to what "home " used to be. I think more than anything I was in love with the idea of the home I had before I left 7 years ago. It seems everything was easier then, people seemed kinder then...and yes I do realize I might have seen the world through the eyes of a child . It might be why I thought that was the home I was coming back to. Like I mentioned before, this was such a strange experience for me. First because it felt like I was dreaming the whole time I was there. Second because I realized people became meaner, much more stressed out, much more for themselves than anything else. Third, because everything is changed : streets , stores, houses. Nothing is the same. I feel horrible for even thinking like this because that is the place I grew up , I first cried, I first fell in love ...and these thoughts and reactions make it seem like none of it matters. But it does! It does! Why do I even feel like this?! These feelings of not being part of "home" anymore, part of peoples lives are making me realize the only thing I got left, are my memories. My life now, is far away and so disconnected from what is here that , it makes me realize ( once again) that my home is in Seattle, with Alex. Not here..no matter how hard I would try to make it work.

I am a work in progress. I always thought it would be easy to change something about me if I didn't like it. Turns out I was completely wrong. I cant be the girly girl I always thought I was going to be. I like to be comfortable when I go out , thank you very much. I can't do my hair , first of all because it wont stay and second of all because I am not patient enough to do it. I am not grossed out by worms..spiders?! Well that's another story(one that I prefer not to get into because just the thought of spiders terrifies me). I like hanging out with guys because guys dont like gossip , or who you are wearing . Girls are just conniving bitches that have nothing better to do and LOVE to start trouble. If you ask me what I like to do , my quick response would be camping. Outdoor stuff is my things. And then I stop and wonder if there is something wrong with me because I am not into the latest makeup or nail polish color(which by the way is ridiculous the way they come up with some of those names.) But what do I know?! Not into that stuff, 'member? Which makes me always doubt myself. Isn't there a on/off button for these things? It would sure make my life easier. It's been a long time since I blogged, vented whatever you might want to call it. But just like before, I feel like I am drowning. Losing marbles, thoughts, myself in the process of losing said marbles. How am I supposed to know where to go from here? It seems that I have nothing going for myself. I dont have a hobby for long enough it seems, I cant keep my attention on a project for long enough , so that I can actually finish it for once. And since I like to be a Debbie downer , I keep analyzing myself ( like any good self medicated addict would) and I only find the bad things about me. Well, I wish I could be in shape, and feel proud of how I look. I know its not bad , but i would like to make it better. But that involves me changing my whole life around. A completely different schedule, way of managing thoughts and everything else that comes with such a big change.I do realize that its up to me to make this happen , but I got to a point where I am so comfortable how things are that changing seems too much work. And yes I am lazy. I lack the motivation.It's gone. Not that I have ever had much of that, but I know something needs to change. I need to completely reinvent myself , if I really want to be happy. But the only thing I do?! Keep saying "Tomorrow is the first day" and tomorrow turns into tomorrow and I am still here bitching that I am not satisfied with myself. And let me just say that , I already know that if I don't do it no one else will do it for me...obviously! But I think I am so lost and confused that I actually dont know how turn my entire life around. Because ,honestly that's what I need. A change so drastic that will actually pull my ass out of this funk that I do not know how to get out of. How do you change something that is just so comfortable? How long before I say enough and actually realize that if i dont do something about the way my life is going , I will never ever do anything about it and I will conform ? I look at all my friends. They all have, or almost all have something going for them. Fashion, makeup, fitness, it doesn't really matter what it is, what matters is that they DO HAVE something going. Me?! not so much. And I feel like I am failing at this . I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel , that gives me hope that one sunny day I will completely fall in love with a hobby and actually make that my career.I am afraid that I am giving in to all the rules society has for me: work because you owe. And you only work to pay others. Act nice because everyone else does it. Have manners . Don't really think outside of the box, because no one likes a rebel. Make money because money makes the world go 'round.