Life..Ill kick u in the derriere!!!!

Pfff..whoever said growing up sucks is no joke .He had a clue what he was saying.It feels like im being hit from every corner of the field these days! Last week my cousin looked for me online...it should have struck me that something was wrong back home , because she rarely has time or isnt in the mood to talk to me .But last week she did ANd stupid me my uncle and my other cousin Vlad were looking for me too.At that point i was honestly affraid to call home for some reason .After days of dreading to talk home i finally got the chance to talk
to my cousin and she told me that for the past few weeks my grandpa had beein in the hospitals ,doctors not knowing whats wrong with him.
Of course i freaked out like crazy.
Heres my thing...i grew up without a dad( I really dont regret it) and i never met him( dont regret that either) because i had my grandpa and my uncle there always being a father figure for me( both of them ) but most of all my grandpa...I was his favorite because we lived in the same house since i was born , and he was my favorite.I always loved my mopm and grandma but with my grandpa there was something special. He used to take me to my dance lessons, used to go to the park with me . My grandparent basically raised me. My mom was always there too but she had a kindergarten to take care of and usually parents miss out on what happens with their own child , but can see perfectly whats going on with a strangers. And my mom was no exception to that rule!

So when i heard that my grandpa was sick my whole world seemed to fall down.I am here, i cant do anything about it and i feel like i would be the only one that would care for him the best. But i know that back home he is in good hands with all of the rest of my family.(Still...im the best:) )

I`ve never liked thinking abou tbad stuff happening to others just so they dont happened to me but the day i found out that my grandpa might have Alzhaimers i stopped carrying bout others. Why MY grandpa ? Why not other grandpa ??? I consider myself an orthodox but that day i forgott everything about being one ...Am i a bad person ? I dont know..but i sure know that there are people out there that feel the same way i do! U never know how you wopuld react in such situations untill something happens. I always used to see my grandpa as a hero ( still dio no matter what happens) and for some reason i always thought that bad things and maybe even death might pass him, because he is Mine!!! I dont care what happens to others !!( selfish , i know)
The fact that i might go back home some day and he might and might not recognize me really scares me! I always looked forward going home..this time i really dread going home because even if i dont want to realized it it might be the last time i will see my grandpa a relativly healthy and strong man !What would other do ?? Never go back home so that ill remember him like i know him or go home and see him slowly giving in into something that either doctor cant stop nor prevent?
How can you go against nature, against God?I used to think that i can go against nature and protect my grandparents from anything bad ..not so easy doing that being hundreds of kilometers away ( something i didnt considered coming to the states)and i guess not it is too late to back down and go back home. I will go visit , but i wont extend my visit there...