Holiday

To say I am scared shitless, is an understatement . I think the only thing that I will never get used to here, will be the holiday season.
This time of year is when all my fears, memories come flooding back. It just seems that as hard as I try throughout the year to suppress all those memories, during this time of year they come down on me ,full force.
It sucks, big time. This is also the time of the year , when I feel alone. I know that there is Alex and mom and my family, but i still cant help it. It feel like I am an outcast , always trying to fit it, always trying to be normal, even tho my inside are slowly falling apart. I worked a whole years at not letting memories hurt me so bad and now , all my work just goes down the drain.And the along with those memories , memories with my friends star popping out and then is when I know I am screwed. I mean really , can I change my head? or at least my memories?This just sucks. Big TIME!
It took me three years to start making friends, because I have always thought that if I made friends , I was somehow betraying friends from back home. While I was feeling guilty , they all had no problem whatsoever in replacing me...Bastards!!! I tell you !
Maybe , I wont replace them , now, in 3 years but someday I will be able to look back and say " Oh I once knew somebody similar" and not be hurt by the thought. I want to be able to do that now, so bad, but the harder i try, the harder it gets. So i`ll just leave it to time , to , um heal my wounds?!..I sometimes feel that time has to heal my pride ..
Maybe all tis time its been about Pride..