Haven't blogged in a very long time. I am afraid that I have lost my touch at this whole expressing your feelings thing. Even if it is on a piece of electronic paper:) There are so many things that I would like to change, to improve and yet here I am not going anywhere. I have never felt so lost in my life. I am surrounded by people that care yet I feel completely alone . Why is it that I cant find whatever it is I am looking for? What am I looking for? What is it that I long for? I wish I knew because then I would make sure I would get that something, not feel this...this empty and just like exist. To be honest I have never , ever felt this way .I am so undecided. I want to go back to school but I am terrified, I wish I can paint for the rest of my life , I wish I would find a job that doesn't really feel like a job , but like something that I would actually enjoy doing. People say that God will take care of everything, HE always does, but I dont feel like I have the right to ask HIM for help. It is my life and I should be able to do something about it , not ask God to do it for me. It just feel like every time I get close to whatever is missing, it just slips through my fingers. I am looking through a fog that is too thick and it doesn't look like it will get better anytime soon. In times like these, I miss home the most. My safe heaven. My places. My environment.But then...I have no right to miss home. Because it doesn't feel like home anymore. I feel guilty for not having the slightest desire to go home , now when I have the opportunity. There is nothing left there for me. And yes I know that it sounds bad , because I have my family there. But everything just seems strange, so far from what I remember . Places change, people change and still this ache for home is still there. It is obvious , that I will never belong in either place. Here nor home. It is something that I understand and I have accepted in the end...