Pfffuuu...ok well here goes nothing , again. I finally realized that whats wrong with me isn't something that I can fix that easily anymore. I have let this go on for so long that now i dont know how to get out of it (without screaming and throwing temper tantrums ). I am officially depressed. And yes, I have gave myself that diagnostic. Think I have read enough to realize that I am at the point where most licensed psychologists would prescribe me happy pills. Well , I dont like taking pills (unless I have a bitching headache ) so , I am trying to find my way out of this blindfolded and in the most natural way someone can get over depression. God, that word sounds so bad. Writing it down , it kind of makes it more palpable. I say bad , not because depression is something I consider as being weak minded or anything. I say bad because as depressed as I am , I am not nearly as bad as some people are and what they have to go through. I have never though that depression is something that could affect me, really. Because I am young , right? Boooy , was I wrong or what? It just slowly made it's way into my every day routine , thoughts and actions. With each passing day , I got out of the house less, stayed in touch with me friends less, and everything started to hurt more . I think part of me knew what was going on but didn't want to admit that I was stuck in this rut.That this was affecting me. That I wasn't strong enough to not let this get me down. Well, I realized that as long as there is something that you dont like about yourself, be it self esteem , body appearance, and there is that small doubt somewhere in your mind, it doesnt take that long for your brain to start focusing only on the bad that you see in yourself. It's like you have no control over your thoughts anymore and as much as you try to stay positive and do something to change those thoughts , your brain wont listen to you. Once you are going down that path , depression can quickly settle in. It's not like I dont want to get up super early in the morning , have a healthy breakfast , runs the errands that I have to run and be productive and actually accomplish what I want to in a day , but it is so hard when you have a brain that keeps reminding you that you dont HAVE to get out of bed at 6 , that you dont have to eat a healthy breakfast and you dont need to runs errands TODAY , there is always TOMORROW. That since you cant even find a job , a good enough job because you only have an AA that you didn't really care about ( so there is another thing I fucked up ) , what is the point of getting up and doing anything?! Oh , and trust me I am fighting every day with this. I realize people make mistakes, and that I made mistakes and that I learned from them , but that doesn't really stop my brain from reminding me of everything that I did wrong. But like I said, I am trying really, really hard to fix this . Looking at changing up my diet and use food , healthy , organic food to help me get back on track. Hopefully I will be able to post more about it and how and if it helps!

Romania, you are not mine !

I am actually scared to death to post this , because I know people judge, and judge they will after this post. I started with the title that I started, because after I cried for so long, after I longed for home all this time..now I realize it's not mine anymore. Nothing here is mine anymore. For some it might not seem so significant, for others it might appear that I am full of s**t and that I forgot where I came from.I always thought that being home for a whole month will be a dream come true. It has been good, but not as good as I always thought it would be. It is the worst feeling in the world to come to the house you have grown up in , and feel like a guest, a complete stranger . Everything is the same , yet nothing FEELS the same. I have to admit that , I didn't really start the trip they way I wanted to. My bags were lost in the airport in Frankfurt, and I've lost an entire day in Budapest waiting for my bag. Flying for almost 12 hours and then waiting in the airport , where no one can fucking speak English is frustrating. After that, well..the heat was unbearable for the first 2 weeks. That was another slap in the face.."Have I been gone for so long that I forgot how hot and humid this place is?" was the question I kept asking myself over and over, embarrassed to admit that I had indeed forgot how "this place " is . Everything itches, bites , and has no taste. Even the water is strange. Even as I am writing these things out , I want to slap myself. Ever since I got here I have been at war with myself. The logical part says " Go home, I can't take this!" and the emotional part is like " This is home. This was home for so long, it can't be that bad!"... Well it is that bad. I cant get used to what "home " used to be. I think more than anything I was in love with the idea of the home I had before I left 7 years ago. It seems everything was easier then, people seemed kinder then...and yes I do realize I might have seen the world through the eyes of a child . It might be why I thought that was the home I was coming back to. Like I mentioned before, this was such a strange experience for me. First because it felt like I was dreaming the whole time I was there. Second because I realized people became meaner, much more stressed out, much more for themselves than anything else. Third, because everything is changed : streets , stores, houses. Nothing is the same. I feel horrible for even thinking like this because that is the place I grew up , I first cried, I first fell in love ...and these thoughts and reactions make it seem like none of it matters. But it does! It does! Why do I even feel like this?! These feelings of not being part of "home" anymore, part of peoples lives are making me realize the only thing I got left, are my memories. My life now, is far away and so disconnected from what is here that , it makes me realize ( once again) that my home is in Seattle, with Alex. Not here..no matter how hard I would try to make it work.

I am a work in progress. I always thought it would be easy to change something about me if I didn't like it. Turns out I was completely wrong. I cant be the girly girl I always thought I was going to be. I like to be comfortable when I go out , thank you very much. I can't do my hair , first of all because it wont stay and second of all because I am not patient enough to do it. I am not grossed out by worms..spiders?! Well that's another story(one that I prefer not to get into because just the thought of spiders terrifies me). I like hanging out with guys because guys dont like gossip , or who you are wearing . Girls are just conniving bitches that have nothing better to do and LOVE to start trouble. If you ask me what I like to do , my quick response would be camping. Outdoor stuff is my things. And then I stop and wonder if there is something wrong with me because I am not into the latest makeup or nail polish color(which by the way is ridiculous the way they come up with some of those names.) But what do I know?! Not into that stuff, 'member? Which makes me always doubt myself. Isn't there a on/off button for these things? It would sure make my life easier. It's been a long time since I blogged, vented whatever you might want to call it. But just like before, I feel like I am drowning. Losing marbles, thoughts, myself in the process of losing said marbles. How am I supposed to know where to go from here? It seems that I have nothing going for myself. I dont have a hobby for long enough it seems, I cant keep my attention on a project for long enough , so that I can actually finish it for once. And since I like to be a Debbie downer , I keep analyzing myself ( like any good self medicated addict would) and I only find the bad things about me. Well, I wish I could be in shape, and feel proud of how I look. I know its not bad , but i would like to make it better. But that involves me changing my whole life around. A completely different schedule, way of managing thoughts and everything else that comes with such a big change.I do realize that its up to me to make this happen , but I got to a point where I am so comfortable how things are that changing seems too much work. And yes I am lazy. I lack the motivation.It's gone. Not that I have ever had much of that, but I know something needs to change. I need to completely reinvent myself , if I really want to be happy. But the only thing I do?! Keep saying "Tomorrow is the first day" and tomorrow turns into tomorrow and I am still here bitching that I am not satisfied with myself. And let me just say that , I already know that if I don't do it no one else will do it for me...obviously! But I think I am so lost and confused that I actually dont know how turn my entire life around. Because ,honestly that's what I need. A change so drastic that will actually pull my ass out of this funk that I do not know how to get out of. How do you change something that is just so comfortable? How long before I say enough and actually realize that if i dont do something about the way my life is going , I will never ever do anything about it and I will conform ? I look at all my friends. They all have, or almost all have something going for them. Fashion, makeup, fitness, it doesn't really matter what it is, what matters is that they DO HAVE something going. Me?! not so much. And I feel like I am failing at this . I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel , that gives me hope that one sunny day I will completely fall in love with a hobby and actually make that my career.I am afraid that I am giving in to all the rules society has for me: work because you owe. And you only work to pay others. Act nice because everyone else does it. Have manners . Don't really think outside of the box, because no one likes a rebel. Make money because money makes the world go 'round.

Seems that I am not who i thought i was. I mean everything now is blurred. Like everything I thought is not more..i feel empty and tired. Very tired and wanting to be done with everything. No motivation , no desire for anything . People talk about sparks , and people having that certain spark. I have lost mine , as I lost myself. Gloomy day for me. To finally realize that hardships bring people down, that it makes even the happiest person realize that there is nothing out there that can make us truly happy.

I feel like everything is crashing on me. Fast and hard. I supposed it's been a long time waiting. It is just sad to see that people dont want to be nice anymore. TO help people without expecting anything in return. Not carrying about veterans and how after they give a part of their life to the military, some just dont give a flying fuck about them. We are stuck at a point in our process to buy a house , where I never would've guessed we would get stuck. Alex is in Iraq and here I am waiting for a phone call that can either make my day , or have everything that we worked for so hard seem like a waste of time . Alex being away for a year and me dealing to deal with this! I dont even know what this is anymore, I guess it is everything! I feel completely lost. So many thoughts running through my head and I feel like I am about to give up at any point. I just wonder where that point is , and how much longer I can keep going .

Haven't blogged in a very long time. I am afraid that I have lost my touch at this whole expressing your feelings thing. Even if it is on a piece of electronic paper:) There are so many things that I would like to change, to improve and yet here I am not going anywhere. I have never felt so lost in my life. I am surrounded by people that care yet I feel completely alone . Why is it that I cant find whatever it is I am looking for? What am I looking for? What is it that I long for? I wish I knew because then I would make sure I would get that something, not feel this...this empty and just like exist. To be honest I have never , ever felt this way .I am so undecided. I want to go back to school but I am terrified, I wish I can paint for the rest of my life , I wish I would find a job that doesn't really feel like a job , but like something that I would actually enjoy doing. People say that God will take care of everything, HE always does, but I dont feel like I have the right to ask HIM for help. It is my life and I should be able to do something about it , not ask God to do it for me. It just feel like every time I get close to whatever is missing, it just slips through my fingers. I am looking through a fog that is too thick and it doesn't look like it will get better anytime soon. In times like these, I miss home the most. My safe heaven. My places. My environment.But then...I have no right to miss home. Because it doesn't feel like home anymore. I feel guilty for not having the slightest desire to go home , now when I have the opportunity. There is nothing left there for me. And yes I know that it sounds bad , because I have my family there. But everything just seems strange, so far from what I remember . Places change, people change and still this ache for home is still there. It is obvious , that I will never belong in either place. Here nor home. It is something that I understand and I have accepted in the end...

So , is this how I am supposed to feel when school is over? It just feels like I spend the last 3 years in school and now it is all over...like the past three years past so fast...even though BELIEVE me , they didn't. I am happy to the done with school and start something new, but at the same time starting all over isn't that inviting. I haven't blogged in a long time , and there is too much to write about , but then I would have to explain everything in detail and I was never the type of person to dish out my problems. No matter how bit or small they were. More of the keep everything inside type. I just think that if I do let everyone know what I think about during the day , well some would be surprised because I dont really think about a lot. I dont spend my day trying to figure out how to write my blogs , make em witty . I just write about whatever bothers me , or whatever comes to mind. Maybe I should start organizing and planning my posts , that way everything will make a whole lot more sense:) What do other people do when they are done with school? Celebrate? Go right back to school? I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. Grrr!