New winds...flushing away old memories...

Weird...

Done i decided i need a drastic change. Im tired of moping aroung regreting and missing the life that i had back home wtih all my dear friends.. thoushand of feelings..memories are coming back when i say the word" friends".

They`ve been part of my life for 12 years...being in a group with almost 40 people , teaches you alot. People arent perfect ,but we also always try to learn new things from each other. With them ive been thru the most rewarding and magnificient period of my life. Traveling cross country with my dance group was the best thing that happened as soon as we were out of school for the summer.

Besides traveling cross country with them ive seen for the first time :Greece, Serbia , Hungary, Germany, Denmark ,Turkey( my favorite lol) and so many others. I freeze every time i think at what we used to do in each one of those trips around the world. Used to playing pranks to those that were newer than a year hahaha. I was the oldest one, meaning i was the one in the group that has been since the beginning .I was i think 5 or 6 maybe smaller when i started . I can still remember , my mom was desperate to get me something to do in order to keep me off streets. Violin...neah didnt liked that, balet either and i totally hated the piano because of my teacher . Our last attepmt was folk dances (romanian folk dancing ). I like every kid hated waking up every weekend at 8 so that i could go and learn. My mom was about to let me off the hook of course, but my granpa interfered. He would not let me so easy off the hook. He used to make me breakfast every Saturday and Sunday and take me to my "obligation". That was my opinion of what i was doing. dint wanted to do it , but i was obligated to do it.

And i was ashamed when someone at school used to ask me how i spent my weekend. They all had stories to tell...me...not so much .I hated dancing with all my strenght !

that was untill...we had our first show, somewhere in northern Romania, Bistri-Nasaud. It was our big debut!! Crews all over the country came and some crews from bulgaria and serbia.We were all a mess. Stressing out that something would go wrong...we were kids and we were unsure of all the people that were watching us . I dont really remember the whole thing in part because i was a kid , but also because its been so many others awards. I remember clinging to my moms arm...all the other groups were awarded 4th place, 3 place, second place and we werent in either . When the lady said that "Hora Timisului i se acorda Locul I" we all started yelling and jumping all around. We got the 1st place out of all the crews. After that i couldnt wait to tell people that i was dancing...FOLK dancing.

After years and years i was watching the tape from that show...I was amazed! As little as we all were we moved perfect, no one sooner than the other nor later for that matter. We were singing along the music in perfect syncronization. My heart started pounding like crazy. I was proud for not giving up dancing.

As i said i had the most beautiful childhood that every kid whished and even more .Every summer as soon as we were out of school on June 15th the next day i was out of the city , til Sep 15th . Most of my memories are with them.

Thats y it hurts so bad. Even if we would have decided not to continue dancing we still had each other , in the same city .But now...i dont have them .They are thoushands of miles away. I cant do anything about it.

Since ive left Romania they all changed so much ...most of them ditched dancing, focusing on school or on other activities. A few of them went on to the most well senior crews in town.

I was sad...thats how i realized that life goes on and that it doesnt wait for me to "snap out of it"

I know...i should have been over it a long time ago..but how can i be over it when thats all that i know? Those are the only memories that i have...my life ..life that i had back home..a life that it seemed was fitting me. Saying that because i was kinda weird...well not strange..imagination...the bubbly kind even...ahaha

And besides that i also went to a fine art high school , which was known for being the weirdess high school in town (ahahah lucky me). Besides dancing , drawing was another passion that i enjoied very much . I really felt like my life was coming together not to mention that i also was a weird boyfriend too...he was a sk8ter ahaha so that made everything complete ( ahahah Ill never forget you Barky :P and im sorry for what ive done to you :())))

At that time i was descovering another part of me that i never knew. being in the weirdess hs in town had to hit me sometime right? started smoking , being more rebelious, descovering black make-up and clothing...soon enough i was labeled as the other kids in school . "Freak". To be honest with you i never thought i was weird...it was the still me , a little bit different.

And lets be honest...how many of you didnt had that period???? (haha yah right)



Getting at mu point...as i said..i feel like im losing my old self. I have no interest in art whatsoever anymore. i feel like im falling in an abyss that doesnt have an end. What can i do ???How can i find my old self again?Sure going home and trying to do thatt sound logical. But i am to affraid to go back home..I am a coward. I am scared that i i go now with what i feel i wont come back. And my heart cant be in two places anymore.

And i thought "Ok so i go home and so what?" "Everyone got over it you silly" "nothing is the same way you remember it"

Why should i sacrifice the life that im slowly starting to build here after 3 year, just because my heart want to be in 2 places?!

"I have no life there anymore" im trying to convince myself every single day from start to finish.
But that doesnt work very well. I guess ill alwways have my heart in 2 places and maybe someday ill learn how to live with this feeling of "incomplete"...