Just for the Holidays...

I think , I am going crazy. Or maybe I'm already there , who knows. I never thought I will end up thinking about how time , just flies by.
It just seems that , just yesterday , I was playing with my barbies. I have nothing to worry about. I had friends.
Now, looking back , it just amazes me, how fast I grew up. How now , I am an adult , just like I always wanted. I honestly dont mind it, because I know thats whats supposed to happen.
I just miss those days...with friends. My mind goes back to the time where we were all without worries , and to the present, where either of us , cares anymore. About one another, that is.
I guess life, turned out differently , than I was expecting. I cant say I am over what my best boy friend did, it still hurts , because somehow I thought we promised each other to stay friends forever. How can an individual inflict so much pain?
I am confused at how much our lives just went the opposite way. Just 5 years ago, we were in the same dance team, shared the same friends, and spent most of our time hanging out , getting bored, playing pranks on each other..and now , I hate him. Wit all I have. I dont like it , but for some reason , I cant get over it. I know , I am stubborn , but I just cant. He betrayed me. He let go , so easily , when i tried to hang on so tight. Stupid me!
He and Andreea were the only ones that really knew me. And as much as , i want to detest Andreea , I cant. For what is worth , life got between us, and it all went down the drain. Yeah, I cant hate her, but I dont feel the same way about her either, isnt it weird?
It didnt matter how long we were friends for, once the friendship was broken, it will never be the same. It sucks because , you'd think that just because of 14 years of friendship , everything will fall into place again. How wrong , am I?
I dont even know the meaning of friendship anymore, honestly. Why would I give myself to anyone , if in the end I'll just get hurt , again?
I am not saying , I dont like having friends, but thats exactly what they are...just friends. Not best friends , not good friends..probably acquaintences suits them better. I got used to not telling someone , everything that's on my mind. I got used to finding other ways of expressing my feelings. I learned, baby steps , that I dont necessarly need someone to vomit everything to.
As hard as it first seemed, I really , really got used to it.
I cant hide the fact that sometimes I miss her like hell, but I'll never let myself go thru that ever again. I promised myself , and I fully intend on keeping that promise. Now I have my own life, my own worries, I cant allow to be swept , into that vicious circle again.
Looking back, I reallize , I was depending , on friends too much. On their opinions too much. Always cared what they had to say.Entirely too much. Got to a point where I would live of , what they said. Oh man...but i still miss...everything..