Have you ever been so scared of something that you are frozen? Life is hard, life away from what you know in particular is very hard. Decisions , rules, resolutions . It scares the living hell out of me. It is like I am stuck again. I cant go forward. I feel like everything I do is wrong .
Maybe I am this way because everything that I knew is slowly changing. Nona is leaving and it feels awkward. I know that I haven't known her for a very long time, but I think four years is long enough to decide if a friendships is worth while. I will miss her dearly. Now she is the last one of my friends to leave .Soon, with us moving back to Seattle everything will change. And then , there's that fear of messing everything up. I am sometimes wondering if moving back isn't a huge mistake. We will start over again, making new friends , everything new. New isn't one of my forte's. I just wish I just have my friends for life. That I wouldn't have to change my friends every time a start a new beginning. I am scared that things won't go as planned , there are so many things that make me scared , but at the same time I am ready to start building a stable life.
It's just...leaving everything behind here, makes it hard. I have my friends here. Good friends that I love to death. Good friends that accepted me for who I am and what I got to offer. Is it possible that it is so easy to discard friends and make new ones? I'm scared that if we leave, time will leave it's mark and somewhere along the way we will lose great friends. I'm terrified of losing what I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish I wouldn't have to say goodbye. Just stuff all of them in a bottle and take them with me wherever I go! IT would make my life so much easier.
But then I guess, life isn't made to be easy , correct? Where would the fun in that be then?