I think that it is time to come clean with the world ...and most importantly with myself. It is something that it is not easy to admit, but I have realized that the longer I deny this , the worse it will get. I am depressed. I guess somehow i knew it all along , but a few months back when i went to the doctor because i was not feeling well, because i got really scared, since I have never saw the doctor as often as i did these past couple of months , I got prescribed antidepressants. I knew something was off for a very long time but i have always though that i was going to be able to get out of this by myself. When the doctor told me that i needed to take pills , it was something that hit me pretty hard. I mean i have always though that depressions was not something that can affect me, and if it did , i would be able to pinpoint it and then just get over it. Well , i was wrong. Combine that with the stressful job i had , everything just blew up. like i mentioned before , i have never seen the doctor in mmy entire life , as much as i did these past months . When I realized that i need pills , like i said it was something that hit me pretty hard because i could not believe that i let myself get to the point where i let life and stress take over my mind and body. Even after i got "diagnosed" i did not take the pills. I still thought that I can get through this with "happy thoughts". The fact that I barely get out of the house , barely eat and wake up more tired than i was when i went to bed should have been a indication that my happy thoughts werent working. I have always cared about what people thought about me and my decisions . You know what the hardest thing is? To admit your weaknesses. I supposed that the first step with this whole healing process would be admitting my weaknesses . I have always had issues with carrying what people thought , always second guessed myself. I guess it always gets to the point when the past or shortcomings are going to catch up with you . and mine did in the form of a depression that , i obviously cannot get out of without medication . This past year , my self worth, esteem , stress were tested like never before. Nothing fits, nothing feel right , like i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel . Like i am in a hole that keeps getting bigger and bigger and i see no out of it. Now , after the last visit with the Dr. I have to admit that i got scared. i mean who wouldnt get scared if the Dr starts blabbing about bleeding in the brain and Ct scans? It made me realize that depression is pretty serious. I never actually believed that it can affect the human body in such a way , but let me tell you , it is very scary. I have never taken decisions lightly , and the decisions that have been taken in the last couple of days were certainly not taken lightly. but i have started to realize that i need time to focus on me. on whatever is overwhelming me. i also, have to get used to the fact that people will judge , when they do not know the story heck they always judge. IAfter all i am 24 , and i havent figured out my life, right? Well what those people will never understand is the feeling of utter blackness, and anxiousness I sometime feel. Yes i do look like I am functioning and that i am just fine, but at night , i am all alone with my thoughts and my feelings. Thats what people that judge dont know and wont really understand. it is just a scary feeling when your brain and body dont work together in harmony. IT is not very easy to admit that there is something wrong with you , but i did and i want to change . I want to be better!

I Feel like such a failure. I feel lost. Completely lost. I dont know where to start fixing whatever is wrong with me. it is like i am stuck in this hole that i have no way out of and i keep going in circles. I know what i want to do , but i never do it because i have no energy left. Most people would mistake that for lack of motivation or being lazy. It is so hard to have all these plans and ideas stuck in your head knowing that you will probably never do them because there is nothing inside of you that motivates you . I never thought that i would be in this situation and it makes me mad and ashamed that i let myself get here. I should have seen it , I should have done something about it when i first thought something was wrong...not let it get to the point where i am today . Struggling to find a ounce of doing even the most routine chores.. I feel empty and like I disapointed everyone around me with my lack of knowing what i want and what i like. disapointment is all that i see , coming from me. Feel like I am not making my husband happy , not making my mom happy and not to mention that the little friends I have I haven't talked to them in a very long time. It is very lonely in my corner. I feel lonely and empty. Slowly but surely I have distanced myself from everybody that I used to care about. Made myself a nice , cozy corner of loneliness and empty. And now realizing it , i do not know how to surface back . surface to the person i was before. NOt that i am sure i was ever a person , but it would be nice to go back to whoever i used to be . Maybe then i will have a idea of where to go and what i want to do . the more the write, the more i think about it , the more i realize that maybe the pills will help me. Maybe that is the only thing to keep my on track . To make me function in the world. Pills! How cruel is that? Relying on pills to get me through my mind and life. Pathetic . I am so angry with myself . Angry that I let this happen , angry that i am dragging people that i care about through this mess i created for myself.

I have lost track of what is important . I realize that it is almost Christmas , and it doesn't feel like Christmas at all. I hate this feeling. I remember Christmas in Romania. We never had a lot , Santa didn't always bring what I wanted , if I ever got what I wanted, but I will be damned if those weren't the most magical moments I had. I hate the fact that Christmas became so commercial. Buying expensive presents, wont buy what is most important around this holiday . Love and the feeling that you are with family. Granted, lately I have been feeling out of sorts so maybe that's why I feel this way about Christmas. I always write about it , but this time around I think it is worse than what it used to be. I find myself in a bottomless pit , that I dont know how to get out of. Don't know if I want to get out of it, because if I do, I realize that I have nothing to prove. I am 24 years old and I have nothing going for me. I dont know what I want to go to school for, I dont know where I would like to work , I have no goals. It makes me feel like I am not good enough to get out of this hole, because I put myself here. I let myself get this way. Don't get the wrong idea here. This is not a pity party . It is the truth plain and simple. And no I am not too proud to ask for help. I have realized long ago , that being proud doesn't get me very far when I need help. I miss home around this time of year , greatly. I wish that I wouldn't feel so alone. I know I have friends that are more than willing to listen to me and I love them for that, but I think that until I don't help myself, until I dont get the strength I need to get out of this , my friends won't be able to help me much . I am the only one that knows how I feel , and i have never been good at expressing my feelings. I always saw it as a sign of weakness, a crack in my shield . People always hurt when you let them in. Of course I know that is not the truth.And I have slowly started asking for help but part of me is always cautious. And that's what gets me in trouble. I keep whatever I feel bottled inside , until I get to a point where I explode, and oh boy you better not be next to me! Those moments are few and far in between but Gods know when they do happen , the world can burn ! I am not a selfish person, or I like to think that I am not, but in those moments I dont care about anyone and the whole world is against me. You would think that being a psychology major and always listening and giving advice to my friends would teach me a thing or two , but nope. I can deal with helping others , but I can't deal with helping and fixing myself. I guess I am just scared of what I might find if I decide to really have a look at myself. Maybe I am not as selfless as I think, maybe I am not as compassionate as I see myself. I am just scared that I will find a person that is like everyone else. I dont want to be ordinary , selfish , walk over others to get what I want. If I find I am weak, well I dont mind. Weak is good , because for me it makes me think about others, and how others might feel because of my actions.

As I sit here , listening to songs that remind me of childhood, I realize, yet again that I dont belong home. This is random but I love my friends. I am lucky enough that I have met people that slowly reached my heart and I know without a shadow of a doubt that will always be there no matter what . Be it by phone or in person . I havent done this in a long time and I usually dont do it , because I am not the type of person to show any affection but there are times when I feel like I need to do it. I want to thank all of my friends for being there for me, for understanding my silliness , for putting up with me and my crazy ways. Stacy ...I miss you! (and i dont miss people often) Mo..thank you for listening to me babble on and sometimes knocking some sense in to me. Jay...well Ho' I love you to death and thank you for putting up with my crazy ass Julia..you are always there to listen to my crazy ideas. Thank you for that! Flavia! You are like the sister I never had. I am so lucky I met you and that you are always here to encourage me even if I come up with the craziest ideas ever! I love you and I want to thank you for everything you do for me , or with me!

Pfffuuu...ok well here goes nothing , again. I finally realized that whats wrong with me isn't something that I can fix that easily anymore. I have let this go on for so long that now i dont know how to get out of it (without screaming and throwing temper tantrums ). I am officially depressed. And yes, I have gave myself that diagnostic. Think I have read enough to realize that I am at the point where most licensed psychologists would prescribe me happy pills. Well , I dont like taking pills (unless I have a bitching headache ) so , I am trying to find my way out of this blindfolded and in the most natural way someone can get over depression. God, that word sounds so bad. Writing it down , it kind of makes it more palpable. I say bad , not because depression is something I consider as being weak minded or anything. I say bad because as depressed as I am , I am not nearly as bad as some people are and what they have to go through. I have never though that depression is something that could affect me, really. Because I am young , right? Boooy , was I wrong or what? It just slowly made it's way into my every day routine , thoughts and actions. With each passing day , I got out of the house less, stayed in touch with me friends less, and everything started to hurt more . I think part of me knew what was going on but didn't want to admit that I was stuck in this rut.That this was affecting me. That I wasn't strong enough to not let this get me down. Well, I realized that as long as there is something that you dont like about yourself, be it self esteem , body appearance, and there is that small doubt somewhere in your mind, it doesnt take that long for your brain to start focusing only on the bad that you see in yourself. It's like you have no control over your thoughts anymore and as much as you try to stay positive and do something to change those thoughts , your brain wont listen to you. Once you are going down that path , depression can quickly settle in. It's not like I dont want to get up super early in the morning , have a healthy breakfast , runs the errands that I have to run and be productive and actually accomplish what I want to in a day , but it is so hard when you have a brain that keeps reminding you that you dont HAVE to get out of bed at 6 , that you dont have to eat a healthy breakfast and you dont need to runs errands TODAY , there is always TOMORROW. That since you cant even find a job , a good enough job because you only have an AA that you didn't really care about ( so there is another thing I fucked up ) , what is the point of getting up and doing anything?! Oh , and trust me I am fighting every day with this. I realize people make mistakes, and that I made mistakes and that I learned from them , but that doesn't really stop my brain from reminding me of everything that I did wrong. But like I said, I am trying really, really hard to fix this . Looking at changing up my diet and use food , healthy , organic food to help me get back on track. Hopefully I will be able to post more about it and how and if it helps!

Romania, you are not mine !

I am actually scared to death to post this , because I know people judge, and judge they will after this post. I started with the title that I started, because after I cried for so long, after I longed for home all this time..now I realize it's not mine anymore. Nothing here is mine anymore. For some it might not seem so significant, for others it might appear that I am full of s**t and that I forgot where I came from.I always thought that being home for a whole month will be a dream come true. It has been good, but not as good as I always thought it would be. It is the worst feeling in the world to come to the house you have grown up in , and feel like a guest, a complete stranger . Everything is the same , yet nothing FEELS the same. I have to admit that , I didn't really start the trip they way I wanted to. My bags were lost in the airport in Frankfurt, and I've lost an entire day in Budapest waiting for my bag. Flying for almost 12 hours and then waiting in the airport , where no one can fucking speak English is frustrating. After that, well..the heat was unbearable for the first 2 weeks. That was another slap in the face.."Have I been gone for so long that I forgot how hot and humid this place is?" was the question I kept asking myself over and over, embarrassed to admit that I had indeed forgot how "this place " is . Everything itches, bites , and has no taste. Even the water is strange. Even as I am writing these things out , I want to slap myself. Ever since I got here I have been at war with myself. The logical part says " Go home, I can't take this!" and the emotional part is like " This is home. This was home for so long, it can't be that bad!"... Well it is that bad. I cant get used to what "home " used to be. I think more than anything I was in love with the idea of the home I had before I left 7 years ago. It seems everything was easier then, people seemed kinder then...and yes I do realize I might have seen the world through the eyes of a child . It might be why I thought that was the home I was coming back to. Like I mentioned before, this was such a strange experience for me. First because it felt like I was dreaming the whole time I was there. Second because I realized people became meaner, much more stressed out, much more for themselves than anything else. Third, because everything is changed : streets , stores, houses. Nothing is the same. I feel horrible for even thinking like this because that is the place I grew up , I first cried, I first fell in love ...and these thoughts and reactions make it seem like none of it matters. But it does! It does! Why do I even feel like this?! These feelings of not being part of "home" anymore, part of peoples lives are making me realize the only thing I got left, are my memories. My life now, is far away and so disconnected from what is here that , it makes me realize ( once again) that my home is in Seattle, with Alex. Not here..no matter how hard I would try to make it work.

I am a work in progress. I always thought it would be easy to change something about me if I didn't like it. Turns out I was completely wrong. I cant be the girly girl I always thought I was going to be. I like to be comfortable when I go out , thank you very much. I can't do my hair , first of all because it wont stay and second of all because I am not patient enough to do it. I am not grossed out by worms..spiders?! Well that's another story(one that I prefer not to get into because just the thought of spiders terrifies me). I like hanging out with guys because guys dont like gossip , or who you are wearing . Girls are just conniving bitches that have nothing better to do and LOVE to start trouble. If you ask me what I like to do , my quick response would be camping. Outdoor stuff is my things. And then I stop and wonder if there is something wrong with me because I am not into the latest makeup or nail polish color(which by the way is ridiculous the way they come up with some of those names.) But what do I know?! Not into that stuff, 'member? Which makes me always doubt myself. Isn't there a on/off button for these things? It would sure make my life easier. It's been a long time since I blogged, vented whatever you might want to call it. But just like before, I feel like I am drowning. Losing marbles, thoughts, myself in the process of losing said marbles. How am I supposed to know where to go from here? It seems that I have nothing going for myself. I dont have a hobby for long enough it seems, I cant keep my attention on a project for long enough , so that I can actually finish it for once. And since I like to be a Debbie downer , I keep analyzing myself ( like any good self medicated addict would) and I only find the bad things about me. Well, I wish I could be in shape, and feel proud of how I look. I know its not bad , but i would like to make it better. But that involves me changing my whole life around. A completely different schedule, way of managing thoughts and everything else that comes with such a big change.I do realize that its up to me to make this happen , but I got to a point where I am so comfortable how things are that changing seems too much work. And yes I am lazy. I lack the motivation.It's gone. Not that I have ever had much of that, but I know something needs to change. I need to completely reinvent myself , if I really want to be happy. But the only thing I do?! Keep saying "Tomorrow is the first day" and tomorrow turns into tomorrow and I am still here bitching that I am not satisfied with myself. And let me just say that , I already know that if I don't do it no one else will do it for me...obviously! But I think I am so lost and confused that I actually dont know how turn my entire life around. Because ,honestly that's what I need. A change so drastic that will actually pull my ass out of this funk that I do not know how to get out of. How do you change something that is just so comfortable? How long before I say enough and actually realize that if i dont do something about the way my life is going , I will never ever do anything about it and I will conform ? I look at all my friends. They all have, or almost all have something going for them. Fashion, makeup, fitness, it doesn't really matter what it is, what matters is that they DO HAVE something going. Me?! not so much. And I feel like I am failing at this . I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel , that gives me hope that one sunny day I will completely fall in love with a hobby and actually make that my career.I am afraid that I am giving in to all the rules society has for me: work because you owe. And you only work to pay others. Act nice because everyone else does it. Have manners . Don't really think outside of the box, because no one likes a rebel. Make money because money makes the world go 'round.

Seems that I am not who i thought i was. I mean everything now is blurred. Like everything I thought is not more..i feel empty and tired. Very tired and wanting to be done with everything. No motivation , no desire for anything . People talk about sparks , and people having that certain spark. I have lost mine , as I lost myself. Gloomy day for me. To finally realize that hardships bring people down, that it makes even the happiest person realize that there is nothing out there that can make us truly happy.

I feel like everything is crashing on me. Fast and hard. I supposed it's been a long time waiting. It is just sad to see that people dont want to be nice anymore. TO help people without expecting anything in return. Not carrying about veterans and how after they give a part of their life to the military, some just dont give a flying fuck about them. We are stuck at a point in our process to buy a house , where I never would've guessed we would get stuck. Alex is in Iraq and here I am waiting for a phone call that can either make my day , or have everything that we worked for so hard seem like a waste of time . Alex being away for a year and me dealing to deal with this! I dont even know what this is anymore, I guess it is everything! I feel completely lost. So many thoughts running through my head and I feel like I am about to give up at any point. I just wonder where that point is , and how much longer I can keep going .

Haven't blogged in a very long time. I am afraid that I have lost my touch at this whole expressing your feelings thing. Even if it is on a piece of electronic paper:) There are so many things that I would like to change, to improve and yet here I am not going anywhere. I have never felt so lost in my life. I am surrounded by people that care yet I feel completely alone . Why is it that I cant find whatever it is I am looking for? What am I looking for? What is it that I long for? I wish I knew because then I would make sure I would get that something, not feel this...this empty and just like exist. To be honest I have never , ever felt this way .I am so undecided. I want to go back to school but I am terrified, I wish I can paint for the rest of my life , I wish I would find a job that doesn't really feel like a job , but like something that I would actually enjoy doing. People say that God will take care of everything, HE always does, but I dont feel like I have the right to ask HIM for help. It is my life and I should be able to do something about it , not ask God to do it for me. It just feel like every time I get close to whatever is missing, it just slips through my fingers. I am looking through a fog that is too thick and it doesn't look like it will get better anytime soon. In times like these, I miss home the most. My safe heaven. My places. My environment.But then...I have no right to miss home. Because it doesn't feel like home anymore. I feel guilty for not having the slightest desire to go home , now when I have the opportunity. There is nothing left there for me. And yes I know that it sounds bad , because I have my family there. But everything just seems strange, so far from what I remember . Places change, people change and still this ache for home is still there. It is obvious , that I will never belong in either place. Here nor home. It is something that I understand and I have accepted in the end...

So , is this how I am supposed to feel when school is over? It just feels like I spend the last 3 years in school and now it is all over...like the past three years past so fast...even though BELIEVE me , they didn't. I am happy to the done with school and start something new, but at the same time starting all over isn't that inviting. I haven't blogged in a long time , and there is too much to write about , but then I would have to explain everything in detail and I was never the type of person to dish out my problems. No matter how bit or small they were. More of the keep everything inside type. I just think that if I do let everyone know what I think about during the day , well some would be surprised because I dont really think about a lot. I dont spend my day trying to figure out how to write my blogs , make em witty . I just write about whatever bothers me , or whatever comes to mind. Maybe I should start organizing and planning my posts , that way everything will make a whole lot more sense:) What do other people do when they are done with school? Celebrate? Go right back to school? I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. Grrr!

It is hard not to think this whole thing could turn out to be the worst decision I ever took. So many things that I wish I didnt have to worry about. Each day I realize that I know nothing about the world around me, and now I am not so sure I want to take it on.
Maybe it is because Alex isnt here , I am feeling like everything is such a big task and sometimes I feel like I dont have what it takes to finish whatever we are about to start.Just shut everything off and just not worry about it.
I always have the feeling that everyone else does a better job than I do, that if I fail at something the world will end. That everyone will look at me and realize that maybe I dont have what it takes, after all.Stuck between two worlds is one way to describe what I am feeling. I miss home, I miss the child that I was.. I miss my friends. Home!. On the other hand I just want to start my life here in the States already. It's been 6 years already ,and it feels like I have accomplished nothing at all. Just existing, going through the motions.
I know that it is not true, but that's how it feels sometimes. Like I am suffocating and sinking deeper in something I cant figure out. Something I am afraid to search answers for. It is hard to realize that what life throws at you, sometimes it is best to not figure out the why , or how to fix it. Easier to just accept it.
If I keep looking for answers, I know I might not like what I'll find. But I am tired to keep everything in, afraid that if I let my guard down for a second I will get hurt.
One thing I have learned about myself. It doesn't matter how many times people hurt me. I get knocked down , angry , and then I forgive and it starts all over again. I realized that it is easier to forgive and move on. Treat people like I would like to be treated , I suppose.
Most think I am naive, that I dont see it when people try to take advantage..which I think would be better to actually be naive and not see anything. But even seeing it, I will help without expecting anything in return. I learned that what goes around, comes around , at least most of the time. It doesn't take a lot to do good. Just the willingness to accept that not all people are the same as you. And that not everyone helps just to help, not expecting anything in return.

Would it be right to say "Farewell Yuma" already?

With everything that it going on..I decided that if everything goes as planned I will be out of Arizona by March. It is a lot sooner than what I was planning, but I am getting anxious. I want to leave and just start building something worth while in Seattle.
The only problem with that now is , the more I think about it , the weirder I feel at the thought of leaving my good friends here. It gives me a very weird feeling.
Don't have many , but the ones I do have , well I will miss dearly.
i know I've said in previous posts that I got used to having friends come and go, but it never gets any easier. Especially when the friends I make are close to my heart. The older someone gets , the stronger the friendships they form, in my opinion. I think i will have a hard time saying goodbye this time around. Time to grow up now..and stop kidding around. Real world here I come!

Life is always full of obstacles. I have learned that it doesn't really matter how "bad " you want things to work out. If you leave it be at some point, somewhere everything fall right where it belongs. It might be childish to view it that way, but I think that everything works out at the right time and at the right place.
It is very hard to see it that way when you are suffocating and think there is nothing good at the end of the day, but somehow, things always work out. I supposed our lives are what me make of it. We sometimes complain about such insignificant things when there are people in the world that are worst off than we are, but somehow they make it through.
I am struggling with many things , trying to understand and accept things I cant change. It is hard to let go of the past and look forward to the future when you dont get closure.
I wish life would be easy. In a different world I see life as being very simple. Uncomplicated and free of the struggles and hardships some people have to go through. i wish I would have all the right words to describe what goes through my mind and what I am feeling. How it doesn't matter how bad of a day I've had, I always know that with time everything will get better. Always.

So many thoughts... I wish I would have the right words to describe what I feel right now. It felt good talking to Narcis the other night. We talked for a bit about everything and nothing I suppose. It is really nice to have a friend that understands exactly what you went through at some point. I say that because , like me, Narcis grew up with a lot of meaningful friendships. His mom, Dana was a teacher like my mom . The reason why I say it is nice to have a friend that understands is because me and him both went through similar problems when we got to the States. We never quite figured out how to be in both places at once without leaving parts of ourselves along the way, I guess.
I like talking to him , I guess it is nice to know I am not the only one that has thoughts , and likes to do things that are completely weird, by myself.
It would be so much easier to be able to express myself the way I want to. That way my brain wouldn't be such a mess all the time. There are a lot of things I dont like admitting , lots of things I would like to change. Lately I came to the realization that , in order to move on forgiveness and accepting others just the way they are is a great way to start . It is very hard for me to admit it, because I always remembered when people did me wrong and at some point I would get back. A very childish way to solve problems, isn't it? It is a process that will take along time and some , will probably see it as being weak, not having a backbone. The way I see it ? Me being at peace with myself and with others. I still have a long road ahead of me , and I know the hardest part of this whole process has yet to come and I know it will take enormous amounts of patience and "uhhhsa" moments.
I know i will have to learn how to control myself.

Have you ever been so scared of something that you are frozen? Life is hard, life away from what you know in particular is very hard. Decisions , rules, resolutions . It scares the living hell out of me. It is like I am stuck again. I cant go forward. I feel like everything I do is wrong .
Maybe I am this way because everything that I knew is slowly changing. Nona is leaving and it feels awkward. I know that I haven't known her for a very long time, but I think four years is long enough to decide if a friendships is worth while. I will miss her dearly. Now she is the last one of my friends to leave .Soon, with us moving back to Seattle everything will change. And then , there's that fear of messing everything up. I am sometimes wondering if moving back isn't a huge mistake. We will start over again, making new friends , everything new. New isn't one of my forte's. I just wish I just have my friends for life. That I wouldn't have to change my friends every time a start a new beginning. I am scared that things won't go as planned , there are so many things that make me scared , but at the same time I am ready to start building a stable life.
It's just...leaving everything behind here, makes it hard. I have my friends here. Good friends that I love to death. Good friends that accepted me for who I am and what I got to offer. Is it possible that it is so easy to discard friends and make new ones? I'm scared that if we leave, time will leave it's mark and somewhere along the way we will lose great friends. I'm terrified of losing what I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish I wouldn't have to say goodbye. Just stuff all of them in a bottle and take them with me wherever I go! IT would make my life so much easier.
But then I guess, life isn't made to be easy , correct? Where would the fun in that be then?

I feel like I dont belong here, nor there any longer.I feel like an old soul trapped. Why do I even think that maybe...maybe someday I will change the world when deep down I know that the world doesnt want to be changed? We are so used to evil, to hurting others, to not care that it frightens me. I wish I could help everyone I cross paths with, but I realize it is something that is impossible. I wish I could find a way to solve everyone's problems!
I look at the world around me and I am disgusted with it. It is like we only care about having more, everyday more...where did stopping time and just enjoying what we got today , not what were going to get tomorrow go? It seems that with each passing day we became more and more depraved, selfish and completely lost.
Why is it so hard to do good, without expecting something in return? Maybe my education is finally starting to surface. I never understood why as kids we always had to turn the other cheek , to never expect anything from anyone when doing good. And to always put ourselves second and others first. I finally understand it. It is our actions that make us who we are, our character. It is what people remember most often. Actions and character. It is an amazing feeling to be able to help, but not expect anything. Just the thought that you helped someone is enough.
I guess losing teaches you a lot of small things about yourself also. I've lost good friends, that I never thought I would lose. I learned that when time comes, you have to let go.I learned that if life takes from one side, gives back on the other. Strange isn't it? We always learn from small experiences , even when it doesn't feel like it.
I learned to forgive , because I realized that is the only way to move forward. I learned that it is alright to feel betrayed, mad, hurt, but we always have to forgive. It makes me feel, like I tried to do everything I could , but it just wasn't in the cards. Not everything works the way we want it to work. I learned that too.
Helping people is something that shouldn't feel like an obligation, or a commitment, because that isn't helping, it is exactly that: an obligation.
Guess, it is too hard to stop and think that if we would need help we would want someone else to stop and help or care ...

Love and my everyday thoughts..

I wish I would have the time and lay down on paper everything. My feelings, pour out my soul, who I am ! I wish I would have the courage to lay it out there for everyone to read me like a open book.
I have regrets, I love and I will have questions that will probably never get answered. I feel like I dont belong anywhere..like I have a place where I have to be and yet I am somewhere where I dont belong. It is very hard to explain, when everyday you wake up and have the strange feeling that you are just going through motions .Like I am not doing whatever I am supposed to be doing. Weird? Oh yes! Annoying? Double yes!
I imagine myself in a forest, where I can only hear the wind and a river close by. A night sky full of stars , full of stories that dont belong to me , yet I listen nonetheless. Stories about legends, about brave men, about humanity being pure and honest. A fire that never dies, that will always have the power to draw me in and make me look deep into my soul and try to discover who am I exactly. I wish I can explain what a weird feeling this is.
I long for a simple life, where I am not surrounded by technology , traffic, and people that only care about themselves . I want to be able to go outside and my backyard to be a forest full of pine trees. I want to go out at night and see the sky full of stars and giving each one a name and doing the same thing the very next night. I want to be surrounded by nature. By the sounds of nature. Nothing can compare to the calm that nature brings to my soul. The sound of complete and utter silence. That's what I feel home should be. That's where I gravitate towards.

What are We doing about all of this?!

I have spend most of my day looking up videos . Mostly of violence because I have a paper due . The things I saw made me feel sick. Why dont we do anything about all of this ? Kids shooting eachother , children dying becase we are too busy not doing anything. We let the most important things slip away and we dont even notice. How is it that we care more about making money , than cherising life? Why do we think that just because a child doesnt say it , he doesnt suffer? Why do we wait until it is too late do fix things?
I watched the documentary about the shooting at the high school in Colorado. How is it possible that there wasnt anything done in the case? What kind of parent are you when you know that there is something wrong with you child but dont care enought to find out what?
Why did eveyone keep quiet until it was too late?!
I am disgusted with everything that is around me. Our justice system is goood for nothing . The only thing that they are good at is lying. People say that United States is justice. THe system is worse than any other system in Europe or around the world. At least in other systems , if you pay the lawyer or the judge good enough you can be sure you will get what you want.
People really think that there isnt any corruption here. Just because they dont talk about it doesnt mean that its not there.But as long as everyone gets what they want/need we turn out back to everything else.
It is horrifing to see that we would rather get paid off than do something nice just because. We turned into creatures that have no feelings. It makes you think sometimes, if we dont actually deserve an end of the world. At least that way all the evil in this world would be gone. There isnt enough good people out there that want to change the world. It is easier to be feared than loved.
Call me a hypocrite , a treehugger a hippie, but I do think that if we want to , if enough people want to , we can make a difference. After all, good always wins.
It is scary to see how easy it has become to hurt, to be rude, to hate , especially here in the States. It is all because WE have rights, freedoms, that allows us to be nasty human beings. I dislike prejudice, I dislike people that judge other people because of money, race, religion. Since when did we became God?What makes it alright to kill because race or religion? NOTHING.
We do it just because we can and to instill fear .Why are people so keen on hurting eachother for money, power, for supremacy? It is all this worth it in the end , when you have nothing left?
I wish I could change the world by myself. I dont want an eutopian world. I just want it to not be full of death, hate and discrimination !

How easy it is to just forget..to not want to remember. Why is it that when I listen to Native American music i feel like i am free of every boundary that society has for me? Why is it that every time I can almost touch nature, even though I am in a busy little town?
How can music make me feel so much? It is like I close my eyes and imagine every sound, every smell that nature has to offer.
I am free, I can fly without looking back. Carefree! Blue skies, a river next to me, green all around me. I can hear birds chirping , I hear every leaf that the breeze moves. I am in my heaven. This is the place I never want to leave.

Romania, My country

Why is it that we the the world in a different light when we are children? Why is it that right now, this very moment feels like home was never home and will never be home ever again? This is one of those melancolic moments .I was so dead set on the idea that I wanted to go back home for the first 3 years that I was here, and when I got the cance to go home..nothing felt like home.I was finally becoming a stranger. People looked at you like they knew you didnt belong there anymore. Looking at your clothes, brands, money, what you order in a club to drink. When did we become so selfish that we cant see past material things?
Why do I feel happy that I am not home anymore? Mom said it is because I grew up and started to see the injustices of the cold , heartless world. How is it possible that we dont care for one another? It drives me crazy to see how people treat each other .How at the first chance they get they stab you in the back!
What happened to being kind? Thoughtful? Respectful? Are we really a nation that is condemned to live in ignorance , because it is easier that way?!
It hurts to see that what I knew and loved about home isnt there anymore and more and more people are set on destroying whatever dignity we have left.It hurts to realize that the life you had back becomes such a distant memory because deep down you know there is nothing left for the future, and have to let go of everything you know.
Reinventing yourself isnt an easy thing to do.Start over because you know that there is no going back to where you came from. Romanians will alway love to judge and blame anyone else but themselves.It is sad that most of my generation and the generation before me, is spread all throughout different countries with no second thoughts of going back to Romania.
For that we get judged, because we sadly realize that Romania has nothing to offer anymore. People dont care about a good book, good music or art anymore. All of a sudden mundane shit like gossip , money and fame are far more interesting than what priceless souls have to offer. We are a nation of thiefs, cheaters, liers and manipulators. So why is it that people judge us for not wanting to be in the fuckery that Romania has become? I refuse to live in ignorance, to accept that there arent bigger and better things for me out there. To think that I will never make it , so i am settling for far less than I know I can do and maybe even deserve.
I got accused to many times of forgetting where I came from and becoming an american , just because I speak English to express myself.Because I dont cuss out worthless people that dont deserve my time to begin with. Because I dont stoop myself to their level, I forgot where I came from.
The funny thing is that with what I heard from people about Romania , I cant believe how incredibly lucky I am to be here and not there.
But even being here , so far away hurts to see what "my people" are doing to one another. lie, cheat and stab so you can be on top, and whe you get to the top you've got nothing left. Only money, and maybe...maybe a conscience. How can people be happy when they got nothing but money? Isnt there anything more to us than that?