New winds...flushing away old memories...

Weird...

Done i decided i need a drastic change. Im tired of moping aroung regreting and missing the life that i had back home wtih all my dear friends.. thoushand of feelings..memories are coming back when i say the word" friends".

They`ve been part of my life for 12 years...being in a group with almost 40 people , teaches you alot. People arent perfect ,but we also always try to learn new things from each other. With them ive been thru the most rewarding and magnificient period of my life. Traveling cross country with my dance group was the best thing that happened as soon as we were out of school for the summer.

Besides traveling cross country with them ive seen for the first time :Greece, Serbia , Hungary, Germany, Denmark ,Turkey( my favorite lol) and so many others. I freeze every time i think at what we used to do in each one of those trips around the world. Used to playing pranks to those that were newer than a year hahaha. I was the oldest one, meaning i was the one in the group that has been since the beginning .I was i think 5 or 6 maybe smaller when i started . I can still remember , my mom was desperate to get me something to do in order to keep me off streets. Violin...neah didnt liked that, balet either and i totally hated the piano because of my teacher . Our last attepmt was folk dances (romanian folk dancing ). I like every kid hated waking up every weekend at 8 so that i could go and learn. My mom was about to let me off the hook of course, but my granpa interfered. He would not let me so easy off the hook. He used to make me breakfast every Saturday and Sunday and take me to my "obligation". That was my opinion of what i was doing. dint wanted to do it , but i was obligated to do it.

And i was ashamed when someone at school used to ask me how i spent my weekend. They all had stories to tell...me...not so much .I hated dancing with all my strenght !

that was untill...we had our first show, somewhere in northern Romania, Bistri-Nasaud. It was our big debut!! Crews all over the country came and some crews from bulgaria and serbia.We were all a mess. Stressing out that something would go wrong...we were kids and we were unsure of all the people that were watching us . I dont really remember the whole thing in part because i was a kid , but also because its been so many others awards. I remember clinging to my moms arm...all the other groups were awarded 4th place, 3 place, second place and we werent in either . When the lady said that "Hora Timisului i se acorda Locul I" we all started yelling and jumping all around. We got the 1st place out of all the crews. After that i couldnt wait to tell people that i was dancing...FOLK dancing.

After years and years i was watching the tape from that show...I was amazed! As little as we all were we moved perfect, no one sooner than the other nor later for that matter. We were singing along the music in perfect syncronization. My heart started pounding like crazy. I was proud for not giving up dancing.

As i said i had the most beautiful childhood that every kid whished and even more .Every summer as soon as we were out of school on June 15th the next day i was out of the city , til Sep 15th . Most of my memories are with them.

Thats y it hurts so bad. Even if we would have decided not to continue dancing we still had each other , in the same city .But now...i dont have them .They are thoushands of miles away. I cant do anything about it.

Since ive left Romania they all changed so much ...most of them ditched dancing, focusing on school or on other activities. A few of them went on to the most well senior crews in town.

I was sad...thats how i realized that life goes on and that it doesnt wait for me to "snap out of it"

I know...i should have been over it a long time ago..but how can i be over it when thats all that i know? Those are the only memories that i have...my life ..life that i had back home..a life that it seemed was fitting me. Saying that because i was kinda weird...well not strange..imagination...the bubbly kind even...ahaha

And besides that i also went to a fine art high school , which was known for being the weirdess high school in town (ahahah lucky me). Besides dancing , drawing was another passion that i enjoied very much . I really felt like my life was coming together not to mention that i also was a weird boyfriend too...he was a sk8ter ahaha so that made everything complete ( ahahah Ill never forget you Barky :P and im sorry for what ive done to you :())))

At that time i was descovering another part of me that i never knew. being in the weirdess hs in town had to hit me sometime right? started smoking , being more rebelious, descovering black make-up and clothing...soon enough i was labeled as the other kids in school . "Freak". To be honest with you i never thought i was weird...it was the still me , a little bit different.

And lets be honest...how many of you didnt had that period???? (haha yah right)



Getting at mu point...as i said..i feel like im losing my old self. I have no interest in art whatsoever anymore. i feel like im falling in an abyss that doesnt have an end. What can i do ???How can i find my old self again?Sure going home and trying to do thatt sound logical. But i am to affraid to go back home..I am a coward. I am scared that i i go now with what i feel i wont come back. And my heart cant be in two places anymore.

And i thought "Ok so i go home and so what?" "Everyone got over it you silly" "nothing is the same way you remember it"

Why should i sacrifice the life that im slowly starting to build here after 3 year, just because my heart want to be in 2 places?!

"I have no life there anymore" im trying to convince myself every single day from start to finish.
But that doesnt work very well. I guess ill alwways have my heart in 2 places and maybe someday ill learn how to live with this feeling of "incomplete"...

I used to think that friend...good friends are supposed to be forever, right? ( wrong again! Dang it). I cant say i was always a good friend . i get gery posessive and very selfish when it comes to friends, my firends. Give all or nothing and i want everything i give to be given back to me also( shame on me hehe..) Wasnt always the most outgoing person because i dodnt had any siblings , si i kinda kept everything to myself as you can imagine. Growing up around kids because my mom was a kindergarten manager didnt make things any easier either.. I meet Andreea while in kindergarten, of course( what maybe 4 or 5 years old?). Since then we were inseparable, joined at the hip you might add *giggle*
I am lucky enought to say that i had 4 girls (2 that are still in Romania and the others are in France and Austria) that i can call best friend eve to this day. I have never thought that a friendship can be this strong that even after years and years of not seing each other , that feeling of assurance and love is still there..it might fade but itll never dissapear .Tha someone is capable of bonding so strong with another being. For me friend relationship is higher love( even thou Plato though that Homosexuality was the higher love...well i guess lol *giggle* again)
As years passed by i grew and i started to see that life doesnt always get you what you want. I lost Malina to France and Ana to Austria and it was hard because i was depending on them. I needed them in my life, but i had to get over it. They both have been out of the country for more than 5 years now....in five years you think you will get over it , that you will replace that someone that at one point has a important place in your heart.Ha ! I was wrong again! Well, i did replace them but never forgott them.
Ana still comes home and visits but Malina in her 7 years never came back to visit...we lost any for of communication for a while , untill i got an email from her inviting me to join Facebook( hail to the evolution of technology). We "met" again.
It felt like we started right where we left off! It is an amazing feeling to still have the same confidence in her and to be able to tell her anything that i have that is bothering me without thinking that she wont understand me . She knows, problably out of all my girlfriends she knows best what i am going thru .
She gave me the bestest news ever! That she will come and see me this summer! But i asked myself...what if i changed so much that we wont have anything in common?
I know we both change because we cant do anything about it , but what if..? its been 7 years for Godness Gracious! we were 12 when she left i think!
But i hope that Feeling is stil there!!!!!!
She told me something that i didnt really expected. People may change( psysical appearance) , feelings may change, but a character never does! and i thought that her character must have been that something that got me so close to her in the first place. We just mold so that we can fit in !
Huh big relief there !
I dont really thing i have lost my character either. But sometimes changes are so big that you might not recognize what you left behind...

Holocaust- a past that still hurts

I was looking thru my e-mail this morning at work and one email in particular got my attention. It was from my uncle... in powerpoint about the Holocaust!(The Holocaust (from the Greek ὁλόκαυστον (holókauston): holos, "completely" and kaustos, "burnt"), also known as haShoah (Hebrew: השואה), Churben (Yiddish: חורבן) is the term generally used to describe the genocide of approximately six million European Jews during World War II, as part of a program of deliberate extermination planned and executed by Nazi Germany under Adolf Hitler.[2] Wikipedia)
Its been more than 60 years since World War II and it seems that people already want to forget or just dont want to remember. Others simply dont believe that it happened! How can you be blind in face of history?!
Real people ,human beings died ( millions actually). How can you deny the facts? The Pictures? The stories?!!!
What we dont like we, usually tend to deny or not aknowledge and since technology seems to be taking over the new generations forget or dont even hear about what happened more than 60 years ago.
Dont get me wrong ! I am not Jewish ( so that you can say that i am with them) I am christian Orthodox, but that doesnt mean that i am blind because of what i believe in .
I know people think that God is the absolute power and that he is always right , but how CAN HE BE ALWAYS RIGHT when so many people died?!
Not saying that divine intervention would have been the best , but like many that survived the concentration camps said " Where was God?" keeping in mind that Jews are Gods people.
I always wondered how can a single man destroy or attempt to destroy a race??? He wasnt that smart. Himler was the brain in all of this. Like all the dictator that were...someone was behind the scenes. He could not pulled this of on his own.
What was he really thinking? Did he really believed that he can create a perfect race...the Arian race and rule the world? No mentally healthy human being would have thought that.
How can you kill millions of people and just...just...get away with it?
In that case...Ignorance is bliss! Ignoring and pretending that nothing is going on and that you are doing the world a good by anihilating innocent people ...millions and millions and innocent people .
It makes me sick to see that people have no clue about what happened. It was real and real people have to live with painful memories all their lives, just because like now , back them people didnt believed that Jews were murdered . Mass murdered!!!! They were good , so why should they care about anything else?!

The concentration camps were build in places that were safe from public eyes. And even if they werent the germans were so swept in with the idea of a perfect race that they probbably would not care !
Extermination camps included Belzec, Majdanek, Sobibor, Treblinka, and Auschwitz-Birkenau.Probably the most important one being Auchwitz -Birkenau.
More than 3 milion died in Auschwitz being gased with Zyklon B, and after being burned so that no evidence would be left behind ..
One person that stands out in Auschwitz is the famous doctor Joseph Mengele. It is said that even SS soldiers were affraid of him. "No one messed with his twins" he was obsessed with twins...he called it fascination!( ha).
He conducted the most gruesome experiemets known to happen in the concentration camps. He stitced twins ogether, injected colours in their eyes to see if they are going to change colours , injected them with different diseases to find out cures....but as you can imagine most of the diseases were never cured and babies and children died for the obssesion of a mad man!!!! And he got away with it long after the war was over. What punishement does such a human being deserve???
In my opinion he got just what he deserved! He has so obsessed with his work that he eventually went crazy and almost died without knowing his own son, somewhere in Brazil( if my memory doesnt fail me) .
Only if you read the books, the stories , ull get a chance to see what the Holocaust meant for our world.
The book that i highly recomend would be : Children of the flames, Night( elie Weisel) and the autobiograpy of Adolf Hitler ( mein Kampf) just to see or just to get a grip on how the division of "Mother Germany " affected him and when he got the chance he revenged everything he had to go thru !

Twilight Craziness- im one of them (not that crazy thought)

Ok im not a freak. It just so happens that I`m a Twilight Fan hehe.
Ok so you can tell ive read the Twilight Saga right? (well kinda cheated ...saw the movie). Had no clue whatsoever bout the movie, about the book until Olga and Adrian came over in November last year and wanted to see the movie. (she was kinda excited bout it...) Me?! Not so much..I thought it was another vampire movie ,like all the other ones and honestly these kinda movies kinda annoy me because im romanian and dohhh and most of you know about Dracula lol...Correction on that: Vlad the Impaler !! For Gods sake! He wasnt a vampire!..
Ok. No clue about what the movie or the book was.I saw that tickets for it came out like way before the movie came out and they were already sold out. Hmmm strange but i didnt give it alot of thinking. Coming out of the movie theatre i remember Olga being all excited , but i was still in no direction. or maybe i was. Vampire that falls in love with a human. Ha! Like it was the first movie with the same storyline. After downloading the movie off the internet I kinda started to see why every girl in the world loved the book and of course the movie. The love story! Ok. So what? It was just a love story like many others before that ,right? Why should this one be different?
For some it was the passion , for others the actor (every girl in the world giggles at the thought of Rob Pattinson, right?). After watching the movie over and over and over again( ha yeah kinda sound obsessive,huh?) i decided to go buy the books: New Moon , Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, but not before asking Malina if they were worth the almost 60 bucks i was bout to spend on em. Sure enought got a possitive answer.
I was never a fan of books...in fact i honestly hated reading because i just wasnt interested in books at all, besides my Holocaust and Psychology books. Freaky?! Yah! Mainly because i dont believe in the make believe world that exists in the books, life thought me better than that.
True, i bever read a book to really get a chance to state what i just said , until ha Twilight Saga came out ! Who would have thought that from all of the books out there i was going to read the most "make believe and imaginary" book. What and irony!!
I saw reading as a wate of time, but took a chance with this one. Going head on!!
Ok. So in my lunch i go to Barns And Noble to get the books. Only bought the three books because i saw Twilight, but I need to get that one too. Went back to my office and started reading i think around 1 .Before long i was sucked in New Moon trying to put together pieces from the movie to get a better undertanding of the book. Before i realized it it was already 5 and i had to go home...What the heck?!! did i just wasted four hours? (the most well wasted hours in such a long long time, I thought)
Still i couldnt get what happened...there are days when my work day seems endless.But now...it was too short. I had to go home and keep reading ..i was kinda at tha point way over my head !!! Totally loved the book and i couldnt let my hands off of it. This was beginning to feel weird . Since when did i fall for love stories between vampires???!! and humans?
YOu have got to be S***ing me!!! But i went with the FLOW Ha! What was the worse it could happen? Get bored and realize that it was just fantasy? UUU spooky.
Ok so i got home , feed the dog, got a pudding out of the fridge and started to read the book again. This was kinda awesome, the feeling ,the places where the book takes you .
After all the story was an ordinary one and at the same time it was out of the ordinary. She is just an ordinary girl , kinda clumsy , just a regular girl like me and so many others. He..hmmm was the main point.
Probably thats why i like the books because , even though he doesnt have anything human in him and he is design to kill fall irevocably in love with this ordinary girl. And he would be able to do anything for her , but the books dont really tell the story from his perspective...only from hers. So you kinda want more and more and more.
Of course i have read the firsts 12 chapters of Midnight Sun because it was the climax !HA! In the books it was obvious that he was in love with her and didnt care if he would sacrafice himself for her ,but they were focused more on her thoughts .
Couldnt help myself in not reading it , because we all know that when girls fall in love everything changes. I wanted the Story from his point of view. The passion that he had for her...ahhhh !!!!
Rumors say that Stephanie Meyers wont finish Midnight Sun just because of the illegal leak. "AH that dumbass that had nothing else what to do other than posting her rought draft" HOPE YOU CHOKE ON SOMETHING!!!!
It would suck to let everyone hang on a string , because im pretty sure everyone read it already. It is way to good not to.
We can all understand that she is mad but that isnt a big enough reason for not writing the book , is it? ( it would really suck!)
Most of us want to know!
Will she or wont she???!