I think that it is time to come clean with the world ...and most importantly with myself. It is something that it is not easy to admit, but I have realized that the longer I deny this , the worse it will get. I am depressed. I guess somehow i knew it all along , but a few months back when i went to the doctor because i was not feeling well, because i got really scared, since I have never saw the doctor as often as i did these past couple of months , I got prescribed antidepressants. I knew something was off for a very long time but i have always though that i was going to be able to get out of this by myself. When the doctor told me that i needed to take pills , it was something that hit me pretty hard. I mean i have always though that depressions was not something that can affect me, and if it did , i would be able to pinpoint it and then just get over it. Well , i was wrong. Combine that with the stressful job i had , everything just blew up. like i mentioned before , i have never seen the doctor in mmy entire life , as much as i did these past months . When I realized that i need pills , like i said it was something that hit me pretty hard because i could not believe that i let myself get to the point where i let life and stress take over my mind and body. Even after i got "diagnosed" i did not take the pills. I still thought that I can get through this with "happy thoughts". The fact that I barely get out of the house , barely eat and wake up more tired than i was when i went to bed should have been a indication that my happy thoughts werent working. I have always cared about what people thought about me and my decisions . You know what the hardest thing is? To admit your weaknesses. I supposed that the first step with this whole healing process would be admitting my weaknesses . I have always had issues with carrying what people thought , always second guessed myself. I guess it always gets to the point when the past or shortcomings are going to catch up with you . and mine did in the form of a depression that , i obviously cannot get out of without medication . This past year , my self worth, esteem , stress were tested like never before. Nothing fits, nothing feel right , like i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel . Like i am in a hole that keeps getting bigger and bigger and i see no out of it. Now , after the last visit with the Dr. I have to admit that i got scared. i mean who wouldnt get scared if the Dr starts blabbing about bleeding in the brain and Ct scans? It made me realize that depression is pretty serious. I never actually believed that it can affect the human body in such a way , but let me tell you , it is very scary. I have never taken decisions lightly , and the decisions that have been taken in the last couple of days were certainly not taken lightly. but i have started to realize that i need time to focus on me. on whatever is overwhelming me. i also, have to get used to the fact that people will judge , when they do not know the story heck they always judge. IAfter all i am 24 , and i havent figured out my life, right? Well what those people will never understand is the feeling of utter blackness, and anxiousness I sometime feel. Yes i do look like I am functioning and that i am just fine, but at night , i am all alone with my thoughts and my feelings. Thats what people that judge dont know and wont really understand. it is just a scary feeling when your brain and body dont work together in harmony. IT is not very easy to admit that there is something wrong with you , but i did and i want to change . I want to be better!

I Feel like such a failure. I feel lost. Completely lost. I dont know where to start fixing whatever is wrong with me. it is like i am stuck in this hole that i have no way out of and i keep going in circles. I know what i want to do , but i never do it because i have no energy left. Most people would mistake that for lack of motivation or being lazy. It is so hard to have all these plans and ideas stuck in your head knowing that you will probably never do them because there is nothing inside of you that motivates you . I never thought that i would be in this situation and it makes me mad and ashamed that i let myself get here. I should have seen it , I should have done something about it when i first thought something was wrong...not let it get to the point where i am today . Struggling to find a ounce of doing even the most routine chores.. I feel empty and like I disapointed everyone around me with my lack of knowing what i want and what i like. disapointment is all that i see , coming from me. Feel like I am not making my husband happy , not making my mom happy and not to mention that the little friends I have I haven't talked to them in a very long time. It is very lonely in my corner. I feel lonely and empty. Slowly but surely I have distanced myself from everybody that I used to care about. Made myself a nice , cozy corner of loneliness and empty. And now realizing it , i do not know how to surface back . surface to the person i was before. NOt that i am sure i was ever a person , but it would be nice to go back to whoever i used to be . Maybe then i will have a idea of where to go and what i want to do . the more the write, the more i think about it , the more i realize that maybe the pills will help me. Maybe that is the only thing to keep my on track . To make me function in the world. Pills! How cruel is that? Relying on pills to get me through my mind and life. Pathetic . I am so angry with myself . Angry that I let this happen , angry that i am dragging people that i care about through this mess i created for myself.