Seems that I am not who i thought i was. I mean everything now is blurred. Like everything I thought is not more..i feel empty and tired. Very tired and wanting to be done with everything. No motivation , no desire for anything . People talk about sparks , and people having that certain spark. I have lost mine , as I lost myself. Gloomy day for me. To finally realize that hardships bring people down, that it makes even the happiest person realize that there is nothing out there that can make us truly happy.

I feel like everything is crashing on me. Fast and hard. I supposed it's been a long time waiting. It is just sad to see that people dont want to be nice anymore. TO help people without expecting anything in return. Not carrying about veterans and how after they give a part of their life to the military, some just dont give a flying fuck about them. We are stuck at a point in our process to buy a house , where I never would've guessed we would get stuck. Alex is in Iraq and here I am waiting for a phone call that can either make my day , or have everything that we worked for so hard seem like a waste of time . Alex being away for a year and me dealing to deal with this! I dont even know what this is anymore, I guess it is everything! I feel completely lost. So many thoughts running through my head and I feel like I am about to give up at any point. I just wonder where that point is , and how much longer I can keep going .

Haven't blogged in a very long time. I am afraid that I have lost my touch at this whole expressing your feelings thing. Even if it is on a piece of electronic paper:) There are so many things that I would like to change, to improve and yet here I am not going anywhere. I have never felt so lost in my life. I am surrounded by people that care yet I feel completely alone . Why is it that I cant find whatever it is I am looking for? What am I looking for? What is it that I long for? I wish I knew because then I would make sure I would get that something, not feel this...this empty and just like exist. To be honest I have never , ever felt this way .I am so undecided. I want to go back to school but I am terrified, I wish I can paint for the rest of my life , I wish I would find a job that doesn't really feel like a job , but like something that I would actually enjoy doing. People say that God will take care of everything, HE always does, but I dont feel like I have the right to ask HIM for help. It is my life and I should be able to do something about it , not ask God to do it for me. It just feel like every time I get close to whatever is missing, it just slips through my fingers. I am looking through a fog that is too thick and it doesn't look like it will get better anytime soon. In times like these, I miss home the most. My safe heaven. My places. My environment.But then...I have no right to miss home. Because it doesn't feel like home anymore. I feel guilty for not having the slightest desire to go home , now when I have the opportunity. There is nothing left there for me. And yes I know that it sounds bad , because I have my family there. But everything just seems strange, so far from what I remember . Places change, people change and still this ache for home is still there. It is obvious , that I will never belong in either place. Here nor home. It is something that I understand and I have accepted in the end...

So , is this how I am supposed to feel when school is over? It just feels like I spend the last 3 years in school and now it is all over...like the past three years past so fast...even though BELIEVE me , they didn't. I am happy to the done with school and start something new, but at the same time starting all over isn't that inviting. I haven't blogged in a long time , and there is too much to write about , but then I would have to explain everything in detail and I was never the type of person to dish out my problems. No matter how bit or small they were. More of the keep everything inside type. I just think that if I do let everyone know what I think about during the day , well some would be surprised because I dont really think about a lot. I dont spend my day trying to figure out how to write my blogs , make em witty . I just write about whatever bothers me , or whatever comes to mind. Maybe I should start organizing and planning my posts , that way everything will make a whole lot more sense:) What do other people do when they are done with school? Celebrate? Go right back to school? I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. Grrr!

It is hard not to think this whole thing could turn out to be the worst decision I ever took. So many things that I wish I didnt have to worry about. Each day I realize that I know nothing about the world around me, and now I am not so sure I want to take it on.
Maybe it is because Alex isnt here , I am feeling like everything is such a big task and sometimes I feel like I dont have what it takes to finish whatever we are about to start.Just shut everything off and just not worry about it.
I always have the feeling that everyone else does a better job than I do, that if I fail at something the world will end. That everyone will look at me and realize that maybe I dont have what it takes, after all.Stuck between two worlds is one way to describe what I am feeling. I miss home, I miss the child that I was.. I miss my friends. Home!. On the other hand I just want to start my life here in the States already. It's been 6 years already ,and it feels like I have accomplished nothing at all. Just existing, going through the motions.
I know that it is not true, but that's how it feels sometimes. Like I am suffocating and sinking deeper in something I cant figure out. Something I am afraid to search answers for. It is hard to realize that what life throws at you, sometimes it is best to not figure out the why , or how to fix it. Easier to just accept it.
If I keep looking for answers, I know I might not like what I'll find. But I am tired to keep everything in, afraid that if I let my guard down for a second I will get hurt.
One thing I have learned about myself. It doesn't matter how many times people hurt me. I get knocked down , angry , and then I forgive and it starts all over again. I realized that it is easier to forgive and move on. Treat people like I would like to be treated , I suppose.
Most think I am naive, that I dont see it when people try to take advantage..which I think would be better to actually be naive and not see anything. But even seeing it, I will help without expecting anything in return. I learned that what goes around, comes around , at least most of the time. It doesn't take a lot to do good. Just the willingness to accept that not all people are the same as you. And that not everyone helps just to help, not expecting anything in return.

Would it be right to say "Farewell Yuma" already?

With everything that it going on..I decided that if everything goes as planned I will be out of Arizona by March. It is a lot sooner than what I was planning, but I am getting anxious. I want to leave and just start building something worth while in Seattle.
The only problem with that now is , the more I think about it , the weirder I feel at the thought of leaving my good friends here. It gives me a very weird feeling.
Don't have many , but the ones I do have , well I will miss dearly.
i know I've said in previous posts that I got used to having friends come and go, but it never gets any easier. Especially when the friends I make are close to my heart. The older someone gets , the stronger the friendships they form, in my opinion. I think i will have a hard time saying goodbye this time around. Time to grow up now..and stop kidding around. Real world here I come!

Life is always full of obstacles. I have learned that it doesn't really matter how "bad " you want things to work out. If you leave it be at some point, somewhere everything fall right where it belongs. It might be childish to view it that way, but I think that everything works out at the right time and at the right place.
It is very hard to see it that way when you are suffocating and think there is nothing good at the end of the day, but somehow, things always work out. I supposed our lives are what me make of it. We sometimes complain about such insignificant things when there are people in the world that are worst off than we are, but somehow they make it through.
I am struggling with many things , trying to understand and accept things I cant change. It is hard to let go of the past and look forward to the future when you dont get closure.
I wish life would be easy. In a different world I see life as being very simple. Uncomplicated and free of the struggles and hardships some people have to go through. i wish I would have all the right words to describe what goes through my mind and what I am feeling. How it doesn't matter how bad of a day I've had, I always know that with time everything will get better. Always.

So many thoughts... I wish I would have the right words to describe what I feel right now. It felt good talking to Narcis the other night. We talked for a bit about everything and nothing I suppose. It is really nice to have a friend that understands exactly what you went through at some point. I say that because , like me, Narcis grew up with a lot of meaningful friendships. His mom, Dana was a teacher like my mom . The reason why I say it is nice to have a friend that understands is because me and him both went through similar problems when we got to the States. We never quite figured out how to be in both places at once without leaving parts of ourselves along the way, I guess.
I like talking to him , I guess it is nice to know I am not the only one that has thoughts , and likes to do things that are completely weird, by myself.
It would be so much easier to be able to express myself the way I want to. That way my brain wouldn't be such a mess all the time. There are a lot of things I dont like admitting , lots of things I would like to change. Lately I came to the realization that , in order to move on forgiveness and accepting others just the way they are is a great way to start . It is very hard for me to admit it, because I always remembered when people did me wrong and at some point I would get back. A very childish way to solve problems, isn't it? It is a process that will take along time and some , will probably see it as being weak, not having a backbone. The way I see it ? Me being at peace with myself and with others. I still have a long road ahead of me , and I know the hardest part of this whole process has yet to come and I know it will take enormous amounts of patience and "uhhhsa" moments.
I know i will have to learn how to control myself.