Have you ever been so scared of something that you are frozen? Life is hard, life away from what you know in particular is very hard. Decisions , rules, resolutions . It scares the living hell out of me. It is like I am stuck again. I cant go forward. I feel like everything I do is wrong .
Maybe I am this way because everything that I knew is slowly changing. Nona is leaving and it feels awkward. I know that I haven't known her for a very long time, but I think four years is long enough to decide if a friendships is worth while. I will miss her dearly. Now she is the last one of my friends to leave .Soon, with us moving back to Seattle everything will change. And then , there's that fear of messing everything up. I am sometimes wondering if moving back isn't a huge mistake. We will start over again, making new friends , everything new. New isn't one of my forte's. I just wish I just have my friends for life. That I wouldn't have to change my friends every time a start a new beginning. I am scared that things won't go as planned , there are so many things that make me scared , but at the same time I am ready to start building a stable life.
It's just...leaving everything behind here, makes it hard. I have my friends here. Good friends that I love to death. Good friends that accepted me for who I am and what I got to offer. Is it possible that it is so easy to discard friends and make new ones? I'm scared that if we leave, time will leave it's mark and somewhere along the way we will lose great friends. I'm terrified of losing what I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish I wouldn't have to say goodbye. Just stuff all of them in a bottle and take them with me wherever I go! IT would make my life so much easier.
But then I guess, life isn't made to be easy , correct? Where would the fun in that be then?

I feel like I dont belong here, nor there any longer.I feel like an old soul trapped. Why do I even think that maybe...maybe someday I will change the world when deep down I know that the world doesnt want to be changed? We are so used to evil, to hurting others, to not care that it frightens me. I wish I could help everyone I cross paths with, but I realize it is something that is impossible. I wish I could find a way to solve everyone's problems!
I look at the world around me and I am disgusted with it. It is like we only care about having more, everyday more...where did stopping time and just enjoying what we got today , not what were going to get tomorrow go? It seems that with each passing day we became more and more depraved, selfish and completely lost.
Why is it so hard to do good, without expecting something in return? Maybe my education is finally starting to surface. I never understood why as kids we always had to turn the other cheek , to never expect anything from anyone when doing good. And to always put ourselves second and others first. I finally understand it. It is our actions that make us who we are, our character. It is what people remember most often. Actions and character. It is an amazing feeling to be able to help, but not expect anything. Just the thought that you helped someone is enough.
I guess losing teaches you a lot of small things about yourself also. I've lost good friends, that I never thought I would lose. I learned that when time comes, you have to let go.I learned that if life takes from one side, gives back on the other. Strange isn't it? We always learn from small experiences , even when it doesn't feel like it.
I learned to forgive , because I realized that is the only way to move forward. I learned that it is alright to feel betrayed, mad, hurt, but we always have to forgive. It makes me feel, like I tried to do everything I could , but it just wasn't in the cards. Not everything works the way we want it to work. I learned that too.
Helping people is something that shouldn't feel like an obligation, or a commitment, because that isn't helping, it is exactly that: an obligation.
Guess, it is too hard to stop and think that if we would need help we would want someone else to stop and help or care ...

Love and my everyday thoughts..

I wish I would have the time and lay down on paper everything. My feelings, pour out my soul, who I am ! I wish I would have the courage to lay it out there for everyone to read me like a open book.
I have regrets, I love and I will have questions that will probably never get answered. I feel like I dont belong anywhere..like I have a place where I have to be and yet I am somewhere where I dont belong. It is very hard to explain, when everyday you wake up and have the strange feeling that you are just going through motions .Like I am not doing whatever I am supposed to be doing. Weird? Oh yes! Annoying? Double yes!
I imagine myself in a forest, where I can only hear the wind and a river close by. A night sky full of stars , full of stories that dont belong to me , yet I listen nonetheless. Stories about legends, about brave men, about humanity being pure and honest. A fire that never dies, that will always have the power to draw me in and make me look deep into my soul and try to discover who am I exactly. I wish I can explain what a weird feeling this is.
I long for a simple life, where I am not surrounded by technology , traffic, and people that only care about themselves . I want to be able to go outside and my backyard to be a forest full of pine trees. I want to go out at night and see the sky full of stars and giving each one a name and doing the same thing the very next night. I want to be surrounded by nature. By the sounds of nature. Nothing can compare to the calm that nature brings to my soul. The sound of complete and utter silence. That's what I feel home should be. That's where I gravitate towards.

What are We doing about all of this?!

I have spend most of my day looking up videos . Mostly of violence because I have a paper due . The things I saw made me feel sick. Why dont we do anything about all of this ? Kids shooting eachother , children dying becase we are too busy not doing anything. We let the most important things slip away and we dont even notice. How is it that we care more about making money , than cherising life? Why do we think that just because a child doesnt say it , he doesnt suffer? Why do we wait until it is too late do fix things?
I watched the documentary about the shooting at the high school in Colorado. How is it possible that there wasnt anything done in the case? What kind of parent are you when you know that there is something wrong with you child but dont care enought to find out what?
Why did eveyone keep quiet until it was too late?!
I am disgusted with everything that is around me. Our justice system is goood for nothing . The only thing that they are good at is lying. People say that United States is justice. THe system is worse than any other system in Europe or around the world. At least in other systems , if you pay the lawyer or the judge good enough you can be sure you will get what you want.
People really think that there isnt any corruption here. Just because they dont talk about it doesnt mean that its not there.But as long as everyone gets what they want/need we turn out back to everything else.
It is horrifing to see that we would rather get paid off than do something nice just because. We turned into creatures that have no feelings. It makes you think sometimes, if we dont actually deserve an end of the world. At least that way all the evil in this world would be gone. There isnt enough good people out there that want to change the world. It is easier to be feared than loved.
Call me a hypocrite , a treehugger a hippie, but I do think that if we want to , if enough people want to , we can make a difference. After all, good always wins.
It is scary to see how easy it has become to hurt, to be rude, to hate , especially here in the States. It is all because WE have rights, freedoms, that allows us to be nasty human beings. I dislike prejudice, I dislike people that judge other people because of money, race, religion. Since when did we became God?What makes it alright to kill because race or religion? NOTHING.
We do it just because we can and to instill fear .Why are people so keen on hurting eachother for money, power, for supremacy? It is all this worth it in the end , when you have nothing left?
I wish I could change the world by myself. I dont want an eutopian world. I just want it to not be full of death, hate and discrimination !

How easy it is to just forget..to not want to remember. Why is it that when I listen to Native American music i feel like i am free of every boundary that society has for me? Why is it that every time I can almost touch nature, even though I am in a busy little town?
How can music make me feel so much? It is like I close my eyes and imagine every sound, every smell that nature has to offer.
I am free, I can fly without looking back. Carefree! Blue skies, a river next to me, green all around me. I can hear birds chirping , I hear every leaf that the breeze moves. I am in my heaven. This is the place I never want to leave.

Romania, My country

Why is it that we the the world in a different light when we are children? Why is it that right now, this very moment feels like home was never home and will never be home ever again? This is one of those melancolic moments .I was so dead set on the idea that I wanted to go back home for the first 3 years that I was here, and when I got the cance to go home..nothing felt like home.I was finally becoming a stranger. People looked at you like they knew you didnt belong there anymore. Looking at your clothes, brands, money, what you order in a club to drink. When did we become so selfish that we cant see past material things?
Why do I feel happy that I am not home anymore? Mom said it is because I grew up and started to see the injustices of the cold , heartless world. How is it possible that we dont care for one another? It drives me crazy to see how people treat each other .How at the first chance they get they stab you in the back!
What happened to being kind? Thoughtful? Respectful? Are we really a nation that is condemned to live in ignorance , because it is easier that way?!
It hurts to see that what I knew and loved about home isnt there anymore and more and more people are set on destroying whatever dignity we have left.It hurts to realize that the life you had back becomes such a distant memory because deep down you know there is nothing left for the future, and have to let go of everything you know.
Reinventing yourself isnt an easy thing to do.Start over because you know that there is no going back to where you came from. Romanians will alway love to judge and blame anyone else but themselves.It is sad that most of my generation and the generation before me, is spread all throughout different countries with no second thoughts of going back to Romania.
For that we get judged, because we sadly realize that Romania has nothing to offer anymore. People dont care about a good book, good music or art anymore. All of a sudden mundane shit like gossip , money and fame are far more interesting than what priceless souls have to offer. We are a nation of thiefs, cheaters, liers and manipulators. So why is it that people judge us for not wanting to be in the fuckery that Romania has become? I refuse to live in ignorance, to accept that there arent bigger and better things for me out there. To think that I will never make it , so i am settling for far less than I know I can do and maybe even deserve.
I got accused to many times of forgetting where I came from and becoming an american , just because I speak English to express myself.Because I dont cuss out worthless people that dont deserve my time to begin with. Because I dont stoop myself to their level, I forgot where I came from.
The funny thing is that with what I heard from people about Romania , I cant believe how incredibly lucky I am to be here and not there.
But even being here , so far away hurts to see what "my people" are doing to one another. lie, cheat and stab so you can be on top, and whe you get to the top you've got nothing left. Only money, and maybe...maybe a conscience. How can people be happy when they got nothing but money? Isnt there anything more to us than that?

..who says that life isnt scary is a fool. How is it that we are so close and mind you, we've been both waiting for this day to come so we can leave the Marine Corps behind us ,.. I am, scared shitless of being a civilian again. Now, some would be like " What do you know about being committed to the Marine Corps?" or " Your husband is in the Corps, not you" , and while I try to understand it, most people dont realize that families are the ones that keep Marines going. While we didnt sign the contract with the Corps , we signed it with our better halfs. For better or worse, and ...in the Corps it can get worse. Work schedule , all the bullshit that the Corps likes to pull on MArines..it gets tough.
The thing that annoys me the most is when people think just because we are in the military , you must be rich.They dont believe you when you tell them how much a Marine actually makes. Paycheck to paycheck...still think that's living the dream?