holy mother of God! This is going to sucks big time. I just found a writing, grammar, usage and style book in my book case.
So I decided to look thru it and remember some freaking rules. Well I am already lost, thats for sure. I mean yeah sure English doesnt have as much grammar as Romanian does, but still.
Everytime I read these things in English , my mind starts thinking in romanian. To be honest I was never good at analyzing grammar. I mean I did it , but i never liked it because the shoved that stuff down our throats since 5th grade. It was either you get it , or you dont. Simple as that. I got it all thruought high school , but now since it havent used grammar , romanian grammar, it seems overwhelming. Pfu. I might as well start all over , cuz it seems I forgot everything. Man! I should have paid attention to class when i had the chance! :))

Holiday

To say I am scared shitless, is an understatement . I think the only thing that I will never get used to here, will be the holiday season.
This time of year is when all my fears, memories come flooding back. It just seems that as hard as I try throughout the year to suppress all those memories, during this time of year they come down on me ,full force.
It sucks, big time. This is also the time of the year , when I feel alone. I know that there is Alex and mom and my family, but i still cant help it. It feel like I am an outcast , always trying to fit it, always trying to be normal, even tho my inside are slowly falling apart. I worked a whole years at not letting memories hurt me so bad and now , all my work just goes down the drain.And the along with those memories , memories with my friends star popping out and then is when I know I am screwed. I mean really , can I change my head? or at least my memories?This just sucks. Big TIME!
It took me three years to start making friends, because I have always thought that if I made friends , I was somehow betraying friends from back home. While I was feeling guilty , they all had no problem whatsoever in replacing me...Bastards!!! I tell you !
Maybe , I wont replace them , now, in 3 years but someday I will be able to look back and say " Oh I once knew somebody similar" and not be hurt by the thought. I want to be able to do that now, so bad, but the harder i try, the harder it gets. So i`ll just leave it to time , to , um heal my wounds?!..I sometimes feel that time has to heal my pride ..
Maybe all tis time its been about Pride..

Never ending stupidity!

And that would apply to me.
I was thinking about all the mistakes I did in the past...and still do. I can't seem to find anything wrong with my behavior..and still I lose and get betrayed by close friends. I know human nature is very flawed. I don't deny that, but I still don't get where I go wrong with this friendship thing. I keep asking myself, if I am as selfish as I see myself to be, but then I would imagine that people would get tired of my behavior and would tell me something, right? Still , everyone keeps silent.
Why do I keep trusting people?! Why don't I have special radar , so that I can sniff out people, before getting involved and offering my 100 % ? Someone told me , that friendships, are social contracts.
I never thought about a friendship as being "just something" . For me a friendship used to mean "that, something that I have in me, and offering it more than 100%". I trust people to easy, thinking that if I am being honest , than the other person must be the same way. How naive of me! even after all this time! I sometimes hate myself for putting my feelings out there , in front of everyone , and giving people the chance to hurt me, but at the same time , I know that , is what sets me apart from everyone!
Me trying to give my all in a friendship is what I am , who I am . I have lost two of my dearest friends , and as much as I don't want to admit I will never replace them . Ever. But that doesn't mean that I don't have the right to hate them! To wallow in memories and then hate them all over again.
Life is complicated , but friendship is even harder , because it takes two to make a friendship work , and if one of the participants wont give anything they have it will never work. Life?!...it is easier because you alone can make life work, with no need from others. There are people out there , that don't even understand the meaning of friendship, but are doing just fine. Even though I think that is sad, I sometimes wonder , why can't I be one of those people, that never have to feel the lost of a good friend and trying to pick the pieces up and move on?
Because , then I wouldn't be me.

Finally!

Well, crap ...it seems that everyone say the movie already except me...what the hey?!
Really?! I am in such an isolated town that , i cant even see New Moon the was it is supposed too?
Neah it was just my lazy ass..I mean we had no clue Jay`s husband will be home on thursday night since he got switched to Day shop section , from our Crash Fire Rescue here..because if we would have known , he would have been babysitting. And we also had no clue Nona was going to be off..so We decided to go today Friday, November, 20th..
Everyone is raging how awesome the movie is ! I hope it will be awesome, because if it isnt waaaaaay better than Twilight, ill give up on watching the Twilight Saga.
Twilight sucked. I know there was no money, but honestly , i am thinking she could have managed a better looking movie...you know, staying true to the scenes in the book..like when he tells him she knows what he is..it was so far fetched from the scene in the book that its kind of disappointing!
Anywho, i am getting ready for it tonight!

Really , really Random thoughts

Well, I will begin with something that left me and Alex flabbergasted. I know that in my previous posts I kind of did a small movie review..and Bruno was one movie on the "DEff not " movies of this year.
Well, last night ,I told Alex is he wanted to be stupid with me and download "Bruno" and watch it. Of course he went along( what wont he do for me:)). So after he downloaded the movie burnt it , and we started watching it . I dont even think we watched 10 minutes of it , before alex turned off the xbox, whispering a " This is the most idiotic thing i have ever seen". Honestly people!!
I thought "Borat" was stupid...mostly because it was filmed in Romania with gypsies! But this one?! oh my it goes beyond being stupid and disgusting!It ridiculises problems that are real and have a real effect on people, nations. Oh man! I heard some time ago that a chick directed the movie or produced it or whatever..."Bitch you have big problems!", because I dont want to be mean , but if a guy would have done it well, its kind of understandable..even thought most ppl that i know despised "Bruno" and they are mostly guys..But for a chick to do this movie?!?!?! Holly Yaykes!!

Ok going on...( told u ill be very very random today)

We have 4 more days til New Moon comes out ! Hurray!!!! I cant wait to see it! I am soo freaking excited over this movie that i think something is wrong with me...horribly wrong!Good thing i am not going alone ...
And because of the movie ..we decided to skip the MArine Corps Ball..well not entirely the reason , but a big part of it..and plus almost 60 bucks per ticket for the ball...neah !
I better see the movie than go see a bunch of ppl getting drunk and acting stupid!


In another set of ideas ...i was watching a you tube video on one of the blogs that i follow ..NotanAddikt. with Kstew , Taylor and of course the freakingly eatable Robert!
Honestly , how come all of the other bitches get to take pics with them?!
Of course, it might be the fact that I am stuck in this fucking town , only 3 hours away from L.A, or with my lazyness ...but driving 3 to 4 hours just to hope ill get a glance ...come on..i might be crazy but not THAT crazy! I suggest they come to Yuma :)
We could just hang out:) ( oh man , i am going crazy here , arent I?)
Help?!
I just think that its stupid that i miss every freaking tour that they have in Phoenix! Someone needs to keep ne updated on whats going on !And nope being a stalker is not on the top of my list . I just wish to get a chance to like i dont know..maybe exchange a few words?photos? phone numbers ...ah Christ I am outta here because i am starting act stupid ...

Cius!:)