Pfffuuu...ok well here goes nothing , again. I finally realized that whats wrong with me isn't something that I can fix that easily anymore. I have let this go on for so long that now i dont know how to get out of it (without screaming and throwing temper tantrums ). I am officially depressed. And yes, I have gave myself that diagnostic. Think I have read enough to realize that I am at the point where most licensed psychologists would prescribe me happy pills. Well , I dont like taking pills (unless I have a bitching headache ) so , I am trying to find my way out of this blindfolded and in the most natural way someone can get over depression. God, that word sounds so bad. Writing it down , it kind of makes it more palpable. I say bad , not because depression is something I consider as being weak minded or anything. I say bad because as depressed as I am , I am not nearly as bad as some people are and what they have to go through. I have never though that depression is something that could affect me, really. Because I am young , right? Boooy , was I wrong or what? It just slowly made it's way into my every day routine , thoughts and actions. With each passing day , I got out of the house less, stayed in touch with me friends less, and everything started to hurt more . I think part of me knew what was going on but didn't want to admit that I was stuck in this rut.That this was affecting me. That I wasn't strong enough to not let this get me down. Well, I realized that as long as there is something that you dont like about yourself, be it self esteem , body appearance, and there is that small doubt somewhere in your mind, it doesnt take that long for your brain to start focusing only on the bad that you see in yourself. It's like you have no control over your thoughts anymore and as much as you try to stay positive and do something to change those thoughts , your brain wont listen to you. Once you are going down that path , depression can quickly settle in. It's not like I dont want to get up super early in the morning , have a healthy breakfast , runs the errands that I have to run and be productive and actually accomplish what I want to in a day , but it is so hard when you have a brain that keeps reminding you that you dont HAVE to get out of bed at 6 , that you dont have to eat a healthy breakfast and you dont need to runs errands TODAY , there is always TOMORROW. That since you cant even find a job , a good enough job because you only have an AA that you didn't really care about ( so there is another thing I fucked up ) , what is the point of getting up and doing anything?! Oh , and trust me I am fighting every day with this. I realize people make mistakes, and that I made mistakes and that I learned from them , but that doesn't really stop my brain from reminding me of everything that I did wrong. But like I said, I am trying really, really hard to fix this . Looking at changing up my diet and use food , healthy , organic food to help me get back on track. Hopefully I will be able to post more about it and how and if it helps!

Romania, you are not mine !

I am actually scared to death to post this , because I know people judge, and judge they will after this post. I started with the title that I started, because after I cried for so long, after I longed for home all this time..now I realize it's not mine anymore. Nothing here is mine anymore. For some it might not seem so significant, for others it might appear that I am full of s**t and that I forgot where I came from.I always thought that being home for a whole month will be a dream come true. It has been good, but not as good as I always thought it would be. It is the worst feeling in the world to come to the house you have grown up in , and feel like a guest, a complete stranger . Everything is the same , yet nothing FEELS the same. I have to admit that , I didn't really start the trip they way I wanted to. My bags were lost in the airport in Frankfurt, and I've lost an entire day in Budapest waiting for my bag. Flying for almost 12 hours and then waiting in the airport , where no one can fucking speak English is frustrating. After that, well..the heat was unbearable for the first 2 weeks. That was another slap in the face.."Have I been gone for so long that I forgot how hot and humid this place is?" was the question I kept asking myself over and over, embarrassed to admit that I had indeed forgot how "this place " is . Everything itches, bites , and has no taste. Even the water is strange. Even as I am writing these things out , I want to slap myself. Ever since I got here I have been at war with myself. The logical part says " Go home, I can't take this!" and the emotional part is like " This is home. This was home for so long, it can't be that bad!"... Well it is that bad. I cant get used to what "home " used to be. I think more than anything I was in love with the idea of the home I had before I left 7 years ago. It seems everything was easier then, people seemed kinder then...and yes I do realize I might have seen the world through the eyes of a child . It might be why I thought that was the home I was coming back to. Like I mentioned before, this was such a strange experience for me. First because it felt like I was dreaming the whole time I was there. Second because I realized people became meaner, much more stressed out, much more for themselves than anything else. Third, because everything is changed : streets , stores, houses. Nothing is the same. I feel horrible for even thinking like this because that is the place I grew up , I first cried, I first fell in love ...and these thoughts and reactions make it seem like none of it matters. But it does! It does! Why do I even feel like this?! These feelings of not being part of "home" anymore, part of peoples lives are making me realize the only thing I got left, are my memories. My life now, is far away and so disconnected from what is here that , it makes me realize ( once again) that my home is in Seattle, with Alex. Not here..no matter how hard I would try to make it work.