Romania, you are not mine !

I am actually scared to death to post this , because I know people judge, and judge they will after this post. I started with the title that I started, because after I cried for so long, after I longed for home all this time..now I realize it's not mine anymore. Nothing here is mine anymore. For some it might not seem so significant, for others it might appear that I am full of s**t and that I forgot where I came from.I always thought that being home for a whole month will be a dream come true. It has been good, but not as good as I always thought it would be. It is the worst feeling in the world to come to the house you have grown up in , and feel like a guest, a complete stranger . Everything is the same , yet nothing FEELS the same. I have to admit that , I didn't really start the trip they way I wanted to. My bags were lost in the airport in Frankfurt, and I've lost an entire day in Budapest waiting for my bag. Flying for almost 12 hours and then waiting in the airport , where no one can fucking speak English is frustrating. After that, well..the heat was unbearable for the first 2 weeks. That was another slap in the face.."Have I been gone for so long that I forgot how hot and humid this place is?" was the question I kept asking myself over and over, embarrassed to admit that I had indeed forgot how "this place " is . Everything itches, bites , and has no taste. Even the water is strange. Even as I am writing these things out , I want to slap myself. Ever since I got here I have been at war with myself. The logical part says " Go home, I can't take this!" and the emotional part is like " This is home. This was home for so long, it can't be that bad!"... Well it is that bad. I cant get used to what "home " used to be. I think more than anything I was in love with the idea of the home I had before I left 7 years ago. It seems everything was easier then, people seemed kinder then...and yes I do realize I might have seen the world through the eyes of a child . It might be why I thought that was the home I was coming back to. Like I mentioned before, this was such a strange experience for me. First because it felt like I was dreaming the whole time I was there. Second because I realized people became meaner, much more stressed out, much more for themselves than anything else. Third, because everything is changed : streets , stores, houses. Nothing is the same. I feel horrible for even thinking like this because that is the place I grew up , I first cried, I first fell in love ...and these thoughts and reactions make it seem like none of it matters. But it does! It does! Why do I even feel like this?! These feelings of not being part of "home" anymore, part of peoples lives are making me realize the only thing I got left, are my memories. My life now, is far away and so disconnected from what is here that , it makes me realize ( once again) that my home is in Seattle, with Alex. Not here..no matter how hard I would try to make it work.