It is hard not to think this whole thing could turn out to be the worst decision I ever took. So many things that I wish I didnt have to worry about. Each day I realize that I know nothing about the world around me, and now I am not so sure I want to take it on.
Maybe it is because Alex isnt here , I am feeling like everything is such a big task and sometimes I feel like I dont have what it takes to finish whatever we are about to start.Just shut everything off and just not worry about it.
I always have the feeling that everyone else does a better job than I do, that if I fail at something the world will end. That everyone will look at me and realize that maybe I dont have what it takes, after all.Stuck between two worlds is one way to describe what I am feeling. I miss home, I miss the child that I was.. I miss my friends. Home!. On the other hand I just want to start my life here in the States already. It's been 6 years already ,and it feels like I have accomplished nothing at all. Just existing, going through the motions.
I know that it is not true, but that's how it feels sometimes. Like I am suffocating and sinking deeper in something I cant figure out. Something I am afraid to search answers for. It is hard to realize that what life throws at you, sometimes it is best to not figure out the why , or how to fix it. Easier to just accept it.
If I keep looking for answers, I know I might not like what I'll find. But I am tired to keep everything in, afraid that if I let my guard down for a second I will get hurt.
One thing I have learned about myself. It doesn't matter how many times people hurt me. I get knocked down , angry , and then I forgive and it starts all over again. I realized that it is easier to forgive and move on. Treat people like I would like to be treated , I suppose.
Most think I am naive, that I dont see it when people try to take advantage..which I think would be better to actually be naive and not see anything. But even seeing it, I will help without expecting anything in return. I learned that what goes around, comes around , at least most of the time. It doesn't take a lot to do good. Just the willingness to accept that not all people are the same as you. And that not everyone helps just to help, not expecting anything in return.