Have you ever been so scared of something that you are frozen? Life is hard, life away from what you know in particular is very hard. Decisions , rules, resolutions . It scares the living hell out of me. It is like I am stuck again. I cant go forward. I feel like everything I do is wrong .
Maybe I am this way because everything that I knew is slowly changing. Nona is leaving and it feels awkward. I know that I haven't known her for a very long time, but I think four years is long enough to decide if a friendships is worth while. I will miss her dearly. Now she is the last one of my friends to leave .Soon, with us moving back to Seattle everything will change. And then , there's that fear of messing everything up. I am sometimes wondering if moving back isn't a huge mistake. We will start over again, making new friends , everything new. New isn't one of my forte's. I just wish I just have my friends for life. That I wouldn't have to change my friends every time a start a new beginning. I am scared that things won't go as planned , there are so many things that make me scared , but at the same time I am ready to start building a stable life.
It's just...leaving everything behind here, makes it hard. I have my friends here. Good friends that I love to death. Good friends that accepted me for who I am and what I got to offer. Is it possible that it is so easy to discard friends and make new ones? I'm scared that if we leave, time will leave it's mark and somewhere along the way we will lose great friends. I'm terrified of losing what I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish I wouldn't have to say goodbye. Just stuff all of them in a bottle and take them with me wherever I go! IT would make my life so much easier.
But then I guess, life isn't made to be easy , correct? Where would the fun in that be then?

I feel like I dont belong here, nor there any longer.I feel like an old soul trapped. Why do I even think that maybe...maybe someday I will change the world when deep down I know that the world doesnt want to be changed? We are so used to evil, to hurting others, to not care that it frightens me. I wish I could help everyone I cross paths with, but I realize it is something that is impossible. I wish I could find a way to solve everyone's problems!
I look at the world around me and I am disgusted with it. It is like we only care about having more, everyday more...where did stopping time and just enjoying what we got today , not what were going to get tomorrow go? It seems that with each passing day we became more and more depraved, selfish and completely lost.
Why is it so hard to do good, without expecting something in return? Maybe my education is finally starting to surface. I never understood why as kids we always had to turn the other cheek , to never expect anything from anyone when doing good. And to always put ourselves second and others first. I finally understand it. It is our actions that make us who we are, our character. It is what people remember most often. Actions and character. It is an amazing feeling to be able to help, but not expect anything. Just the thought that you helped someone is enough.
I guess losing teaches you a lot of small things about yourself also. I've lost good friends, that I never thought I would lose. I learned that when time comes, you have to let go.I learned that if life takes from one side, gives back on the other. Strange isn't it? We always learn from small experiences , even when it doesn't feel like it.
I learned to forgive , because I realized that is the only way to move forward. I learned that it is alright to feel betrayed, mad, hurt, but we always have to forgive. It makes me feel, like I tried to do everything I could , but it just wasn't in the cards. Not everything works the way we want it to work. I learned that too.
Helping people is something that shouldn't feel like an obligation, or a commitment, because that isn't helping, it is exactly that: an obligation.
Guess, it is too hard to stop and think that if we would need help we would want someone else to stop and help or care ...