I feel like everything is crashing on me. Fast and hard. I supposed it's been a long time waiting. It is just sad to see that people dont want to be nice anymore. TO help people without expecting anything in return. Not carrying about veterans and how after they give a part of their life to the military, some just dont give a flying fuck about them. We are stuck at a point in our process to buy a house , where I never would've guessed we would get stuck. Alex is in Iraq and here I am waiting for a phone call that can either make my day , or have everything that we worked for so hard seem like a waste of time . Alex being away for a year and me dealing to deal with this! I dont even know what this is anymore, I guess it is everything! I feel completely lost. So many thoughts running through my head and I feel like I am about to give up at any point. I just wonder where that point is , and how much longer I can keep going .

Haven't blogged in a very long time. I am afraid that I have lost my touch at this whole expressing your feelings thing. Even if it is on a piece of electronic paper:) There are so many things that I would like to change, to improve and yet here I am not going anywhere. I have never felt so lost in my life. I am surrounded by people that care yet I feel completely alone . Why is it that I cant find whatever it is I am looking for? What am I looking for? What is it that I long for? I wish I knew because then I would make sure I would get that something, not feel this...this empty and just like exist. To be honest I have never , ever felt this way .I am so undecided. I want to go back to school but I am terrified, I wish I can paint for the rest of my life , I wish I would find a job that doesn't really feel like a job , but like something that I would actually enjoy doing. People say that God will take care of everything, HE always does, but I dont feel like I have the right to ask HIM for help. It is my life and I should be able to do something about it , not ask God to do it for me. It just feel like every time I get close to whatever is missing, it just slips through my fingers. I am looking through a fog that is too thick and it doesn't look like it will get better anytime soon. In times like these, I miss home the most. My safe heaven. My places. My environment.But then...I have no right to miss home. Because it doesn't feel like home anymore. I feel guilty for not having the slightest desire to go home , now when I have the opportunity. There is nothing left there for me. And yes I know that it sounds bad , because I have my family there. But everything just seems strange, so far from what I remember . Places change, people change and still this ache for home is still there. It is obvious , that I will never belong in either place. Here nor home. It is something that I understand and I have accepted in the end...