I have lost track of what is important . I realize that it is almost Christmas , and it doesn't feel like Christmas at all. I hate this feeling. I remember Christmas in Romania. We never had a lot , Santa didn't always bring what I wanted , if I ever got what I wanted, but I will be damned if those weren't the most magical moments I had. I hate the fact that Christmas became so commercial. Buying expensive presents, wont buy what is most important around this holiday . Love and the feeling that you are with family. Granted, lately I have been feeling out of sorts so maybe that's why I feel this way about Christmas. I always write about it , but this time around I think it is worse than what it used to be. I find myself in a bottomless pit , that I dont know how to get out of. Don't know if I want to get out of it, because if I do, I realize that I have nothing to prove. I am 24 years old and I have nothing going for me. I dont know what I want to go to school for, I dont know where I would like to work , I have no goals. It makes me feel like I am not good enough to get out of this hole, because I put myself here. I let myself get this way. Don't get the wrong idea here. This is not a pity party . It is the truth plain and simple. And no I am not too proud to ask for help. I have realized long ago , that being proud doesn't get me very far when I need help. I miss home around this time of year , greatly. I wish that I wouldn't feel so alone. I know I have friends that are more than willing to listen to me and I love them for that, but I think that until I don't help myself, until I dont get the strength I need to get out of this , my friends won't be able to help me much . I am the only one that knows how I feel , and i have never been good at expressing my feelings. I always saw it as a sign of weakness, a crack in my shield . People always hurt when you let them in. Of course I know that is not the truth.And I have slowly started asking for help but part of me is always cautious. And that's what gets me in trouble. I keep whatever I feel bottled inside , until I get to a point where I explode, and oh boy you better not be next to me! Those moments are few and far in between but Gods know when they do happen , the world can burn ! I am not a selfish person, or I like to think that I am not, but in those moments I dont care about anyone and the whole world is against me. You would think that being a psychology major and always listening and giving advice to my friends would teach me a thing or two , but nope. I can deal with helping others , but I can't deal with helping and fixing myself. I guess I am just scared of what I might find if I decide to really have a look at myself. Maybe I am not as selfless as I think, maybe I am not as compassionate as I see myself. I am just scared that I will find a person that is like everyone else. I dont want to be ordinary , selfish , walk over others to get what I want. If I find I am weak, well I dont mind. Weak is good , because for me it makes me think about others, and how others might feel because of my actions.