Pfffuuu...ok well here goes nothing , again. I finally realized that whats wrong with me isn't something that I can fix that easily anymore. I have let this go on for so long that now i dont know how to get out of it (without screaming and throwing temper tantrums ). I am officially depressed. And yes, I have gave myself that diagnostic. Think I have read enough to realize that I am at the point where most licensed psychologists would prescribe me happy pills. Well , I dont like taking pills (unless I have a bitching headache ) so , I am trying to find my way out of this blindfolded and in the most natural way someone can get over depression. God, that word sounds so bad. Writing it down , it kind of makes it more palpable. I say bad , not because depression is something I consider as being weak minded or anything. I say bad because as depressed as I am , I am not nearly as bad as some people are and what they have to go through. I have never though that depression is something that could affect me, really. Because I am young , right? Boooy , was I wrong or what? It just slowly made it's way into my every day routine , thoughts and actions. With each passing day , I got out of the house less, stayed in touch with me friends less, and everything started to hurt more . I think part of me knew what was going on but didn't want to admit that I was stuck in this rut.That this was affecting me. That I wasn't strong enough to not let this get me down. Well, I realized that as long as there is something that you dont like about yourself, be it self esteem , body appearance, and there is that small doubt somewhere in your mind, it doesnt take that long for your brain to start focusing only on the bad that you see in yourself. It's like you have no control over your thoughts anymore and as much as you try to stay positive and do something to change those thoughts , your brain wont listen to you. Once you are going down that path , depression can quickly settle in. It's not like I dont want to get up super early in the morning , have a healthy breakfast , runs the errands that I have to run and be productive and actually accomplish what I want to in a day , but it is so hard when you have a brain that keeps reminding you that you dont HAVE to get out of bed at 6 , that you dont have to eat a healthy breakfast and you dont need to runs errands TODAY , there is always TOMORROW. That since you cant even find a job , a good enough job because you only have an AA that you didn't really care about ( so there is another thing I fucked up ) , what is the point of getting up and doing anything?! Oh , and trust me I am fighting every day with this. I realize people make mistakes, and that I made mistakes and that I learned from them , but that doesn't really stop my brain from reminding me of everything that I did wrong. But like I said, I am trying really, really hard to fix this . Looking at changing up my diet and use food , healthy , organic food to help me get back on track. Hopefully I will be able to post more about it and how and if it helps!