I think that it is time to come clean with the world ...and most importantly with myself. It is something that it is not easy to admit, but I have realized that the longer I deny this , the worse it will get. I am depressed. I guess somehow i knew it all along , but a few months back when i went to the doctor because i was not feeling well, because i got really scared, since I have never saw the doctor as often as i did these past couple of months , I got prescribed antidepressants. I knew something was off for a very long time but i have always though that i was going to be able to get out of this by myself. When the doctor told me that i needed to take pills , it was something that hit me pretty hard. I mean i have always though that depressions was not something that can affect me, and if it did , i would be able to pinpoint it and then just get over it. Well , i was wrong. Combine that with the stressful job i had , everything just blew up. like i mentioned before , i have never seen the doctor in mmy entire life , as much as i did these past months . When I realized that i need pills , like i said it was something that hit me pretty hard because i could not believe that i let myself get to the point where i let life and stress take over my mind and body. Even after i got "diagnosed" i did not take the pills. I still thought that I can get through this with "happy thoughts". The fact that I barely get out of the house , barely eat and wake up more tired than i was when i went to bed should have been a indication that my happy thoughts werent working. I have always cared about what people thought about me and my decisions . You know what the hardest thing is? To admit your weaknesses. I supposed that the first step with this whole healing process would be admitting my weaknesses . I have always had issues with carrying what people thought , always second guessed myself. I guess it always gets to the point when the past or shortcomings are going to catch up with you . and mine did in the form of a depression that , i obviously cannot get out of without medication . This past year , my self worth, esteem , stress were tested like never before. Nothing fits, nothing feel right , like i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel . Like i am in a hole that keeps getting bigger and bigger and i see no out of it. Now , after the last visit with the Dr. I have to admit that i got scared. i mean who wouldnt get scared if the Dr starts blabbing about bleeding in the brain and Ct scans? It made me realize that depression is pretty serious. I never actually believed that it can affect the human body in such a way , but let me tell you , it is very scary. I have never taken decisions lightly , and the decisions that have been taken in the last couple of days were certainly not taken lightly. but i have started to realize that i need time to focus on me. on whatever is overwhelming me. i also, have to get used to the fact that people will judge , when they do not know the story heck they always judge. IAfter all i am 24 , and i havent figured out my life, right? Well what those people will never understand is the feeling of utter blackness, and anxiousness I sometime feel. Yes i do look like I am functioning and that i am just fine, but at night , i am all alone with my thoughts and my feelings. Thats what people that judge dont know and wont really understand. it is just a scary feeling when your brain and body dont work together in harmony. IT is not very easy to admit that there is something wrong with you , but i did and i want to change . I want to be better!